WW in A. NC promise broke. Separation? (5th thread

[hoosjim]

I love my sister. I want her to at least know my children. I don't have any poison in my heart for my sister. But I look at her as a cancer I can't accept in my life without radiation proof gloves.

Wow, Zues, that's a tough story, thanks for sharing it. Definitely harder to deal with than my sitch... your own sister!

This is one of the dynamics that keeps making it so hard on me to "move forward" to a happy place for myself-- all of the pain caused to so many by these infidelities across two marriages, my own and my good friend's. And then I come here and see how so, so many others are going through the same thing. What possesses people to do these things? The widespread pain, disruption, and turmoil even one affair causes is heartbreaking enough... and yet it goes on all of the time. I myself am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, in my own place, and with my own place in the world-- I have great kids (troubles and all), alot of fun and stimulating interests, and family and friends who i love and who love me in return. (My fishing/canoeing/camping trip with S18 this weekend reinforced a lot of that and really helped me.) And yet... I can't seem to escape all of the pain that is being caused around me. My W's bff, before all of this happened, was someone I would have considered a close friend (though she was a bit on the wild/free-spirited side)-- she was, after all, the wife of my own best friend from college. Her infidelity, with another of our close friends, has shattered not just her family, but the family of that other friend, and has destroyed at least three or four other friendships based on the fairly complicated and ugly dynamics. And not casual friends, either, but long-time close friends. On top of my own marital difficulties, infidelity, and the pain and chaos that has caused, it is a lot for a kind-hearted person (which I do consider myself) to bear, regardless of one's own groundedness. And my W, whose compassion and empathy were two of the big reasons I fell in love with her and wanted to spend my life with her says "But she's [her bff] just so HAPPY"... and I just almost cant believe it. It's heartbreaking to see all of this going down and even moreso to see the woman I love(d?), regardless of our future prospects, so sanguine about it.

I pray for all of us, but don't know to what end. Maybe we're supposed to be witnesses to the destruction of EMAs so we can help others in the future. Idunno.

[Holding]

Yes Jim, I'm also overwhelmed by the pain caused by all our sitches. Sometimes when I'm really down, I have to take a break from the site so I don't feel crushed by all the pain.

The selfishness of our S's is staggering. The person we loved is gone. My W used to teach kids religious classes at our local church. Now she doesn't seem to even care about her own kids.

My personal take on it is there's no point to all the pain. But we can try to take advantage of our sitches, be a light to others, and grow as people in the process.

[Treasur]

Witnessing the pain and confusion here is hard sometimes, but at the same time, seeing the kindness and generosity of strangers is heartwarming.

Many of our spouses, for a variety of reasons, seem to be lost in a very self-obsessed place. Perhaps what we are trying to do here is help each other not let our own pain make us as selfish, and try to use life s**t as fertiliser?

[hoosjim]

Today's entry into the WTF(?!) files: OM today SENDS ME A TEXT! Not a heartfelt apology or the like (remember he and I were friends, previously) but, rather, an invitation to come by and work a sporting event tomorrow... the same kind of thing we used to do previously and which is son is still competing in this year. "It wouldn't be the same without you" he says. "What's between your and your wife is your business". I am dumbfounded.

For color, he is NOT AT ALL a bright guy. Maybe he thinks I don't know? Or don't care? Or that I didn't really mean it last week when I said I'd kick his ass clean across the county?

[Tread]

Sounds like your former friend is trying to be smart. You may have to kick his teeth down his throat afterall. Unless he is that damn slow.

[Zues126]

These moments are collectible. Someday you can write a TV series about these experiences that will make Sex in the City look like Leave it to Beaver.

If it were me I wouldn't reply. People like this don't have a place in my life.

[hoosjim]

I cant figure out what this woman (W) is up to. Last night, for second night in a row, she shows up at my new hangout. Wednesday I had gone there to see a friend of mine play (they have live music every night at happy hour) before going to my basketball league, and she volunteered to give me a ride over and then just stuck around and then yesterday evening was my usual Thursday "take my laptop to the outdoor patio bar and finish up my admin work for the day" outing. Now, I did have to go out to the airport later (8:40) to pick up family, but the plan had been for me to just go pick them up myself from the pub.

Instead, she showed up and it just knocked my socks off. She had gone home first and changed out of her work clothes-- not that her work clothes are frumpy or anything, they are pretty liberal where she works and she is always very attractively dressed-- and was just dressed to kill in some new off-the-shoulder outfit I had not seen before. All made up, too. Now, my W is a very (I would say extremely) attractive woman under any circumstances, but for a full second or two even I didn't recognize her when she walked in last night (though granted I was not expecting her to show up then and there)-- I just thought "wow" and then "oh double wow, that's mrs. hoosjim". At any rate, the point is, she had clearly gone out of her way to doll herself up for what she knew would be at most a casual hour or two with me at this outdoor patio bar. And it was a nice time-- no R talk, we just chatted, listened to the live music, joked (sometimes about the lady bartender there who she is convinced is interested in me), sat a little close to each other. Can't say there were any sparks, but it was nice. (And honestly, I can't say I am not a little intrigued by the idea of this bartender--younger, very pretty-- being interested in me. Not that I am interested in starting anything but it is just, idunno, "boosting" in some way to see interest from other females.)

At any rate, I really don't know what she is doing or where her head is at with this or even how I should be treating such scenarios. I'm trying as much as possible to just lead my own, separate, fun life right now-- she has not given any indication in the past two weeks that she is interested in "working on the MR" and I haven't asked. I assume that maybe she is, as she has previously indicated she thought would be a good idea, trying to just "be with hoosjim in the moment" and "see how that feels", but that effort to me seems doomed to failure without doing any "work" on the MR. Work for which I am pretty sure she is not ready. In the meantime, she is showing up and hanging out which, to me, seems like all it is doing is keeping us in limbo. On the one hand I enjoy her company very much and also feel like I don't want to be d**k and say "keep the heck away from me at my place" but, OTOH as I said it seems kind of counterproductive to be hanging out this way, and I am not sure what it is really accomplishing.

[Ginger1]

She's messing with your head jim, keeping you on the hook so she doesn't have to adhere to your boundaries and she could have her cake and eat it too.

And it looks like it is working......

You aren't accomplishing anything by hanging out this way. Unless she has committed to what you asked and need of her.

[hoosjim]

You aren't accomplishing anything by hanging out this way. Unless she has committed to what you asked and need of her.

And I agree. Just not sure how to deal with it without coming off like a jerk. She has, to all appearances, done what she's said she was going to do, now, WRT no contact with OM and some transparency, but... no indication she wants to or is even ready to move into "working on things." She's not doing anything disrespectful to me or anything. Prolly best I can do is say "look, this is nice, us hanging out and all, but I'm not really sure where this is going and I still don't know that I can trust your motives or your commitment, here. I think it's best for now if we spend our time apart for now." (?) I mean, I agree with pretty much everyone here that she is not "ready" for MR work or "piecing" or whatever you want to call it-- she clearly is still messed up a bit in her own head, prolly still grieving OM/A (it's only been three weeks), and doesn't even know what she wants or what she thinks she wants. Even our MC, who has also counseled us individually, told me at our last IC session a couple of weeks back (the last for either of us) that even if W was at "NC" that she still did not, at that point, seem quite ready to "give up the relationship with the OM"--meaning get it out of her head and get over it completely and that she (W) would prolly need some IC before MC could be fruitful. Not a recipe for success.

I also have to think the timing of OM contacting me and "trying to make nice" is kind of suspicious with W putting on the full court press to look like she's doing the right thing.

[Holding]

Hey Jim, I'm sorry your W is doing this to you. I agree with Ginger - she's messing with you.

Regardless of what your W's motivation may be, these episodes are not healthy FOR YOU. It's like she's actively trying to disrupt your GAL. She's showing up, looking her best, and almost making a spectacle of herself. She might as well wear neon lights and sparklers.

Is ignoring her an option? What about simply leaving? I know it's "your" place, but if she's making it so awkward for you, it's not really "yours" any more.