If I think about me at say 6, I was curious, intelligent, chatty, imaginative, optimistic, interested in people, kind, fair, bold, impatient, generous, confident. At 53, bit less confident as life got harder...otherwise much the same really.
If I think honestly about what others would say makes me most Me, people would probably say I'm strong, brave, fair, kind, fun, loving and intelligent. I'm probably say intelligent, fair, loving, kind and add creative. Don't feel much fun right now and not nearly as strong or brave as people think.
What do those qualities look like? I'm good at figuring stuff out, and thinking of 57 possible creative options if the first won't fly so usually I'm quite optimistic. I can almost always see that people and situations aren't black and white. I'm slow to judge and quick to forgive. I assume the best of people first and look for the good. I believe that love and compassion are important, and I am generous with both. I keep my word and I step up when some would step away. I take responsibility for my actions and mistakes, and I rarely blame others for things I'm unhappy about.
Have I been using those qualities in this storm? Some haven't served me well. I've tried to figure out the unfigurable, and many of my alternative options have failed spectacularly. It has helped me see that it obviously isn't my fault and that I'm not responsible for a bunch of things. Being naturally optimistic and fair-minded, I've struggled to adjust to MLC land but it has stopped me from being bitter or overcome by rage. It has maybe kept me hanging on to hope and love for my H, and that has kept me in limbo perhaps too long.
And using the same qualities for me? Not so much. I've judged myself quite harshly for being stuck for so long and not being able to find a better route out. I've lost my sense of optimism for my own life, I think. I'm struggling right now to envisage life post-storm. I'm not sure I have stepped up entirely for myself. I might be taking responsibility for things that aren't mine because I don't want to blame other people and feel like a victim. I think I'm not seeing the good in me or trusting myself. Most of all, I think I've just lost confidence in myself as a treasure with a future full of lovely optimistic possibilities. It is most unlike me, but I think I feel as life has slapped me around so much in the last couple of years that I'm flinching in anticipation. I used to be someone who assumed I'd pick a high card against the odds.
What do I do with all of that, cadence? Not sure. There's a quote by Eckhart Tolle, something about embracing a difficult situation as if you chose it for yourself. Maybe I need to retrieve my inner Pollyanna optimism?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
