My husband filed for divorce

[LAJar]

Hi AnotherStander,

Thank you for your honest response. I'm not sure how to quote as you did, so bear with me.

No attack taken. I'm not going to lie, a stranger saying you might be a bit controlling from a forum post, stings a bit. I acknowledge that I can be controlling. I feel like I'm somewhat self-aware, but lack the tools to correct the behavior effectively and permanently. I tried to work on my approach, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. Just curious, what about my post made you think that?

I never complained about his friends. I had an issue with 1 when we first got together, which we resolved. Another who he rarely saw is a drug abuser and only called my husband for money. I didn't care for that, but had my husband wanted to be around him, I would have. The move was difficult. It added an extra 25 minutes to my commute making it an hour. I didn't complain incessantly about it but at the beginning it was frustrating. I got over it. I agreed to the move, so I had to get over it & shut up. I told him I needed time for it to feel like home, but it would come. It's just my process.

I do believe all of his complaints are valid. I recognize we're different people & what's important to him may not be as important to me. I think I listened after the fact, meaning I should have done a better job leading up to/avoiding the argument. Validating his feelings was something I also should have done better at. Hindsight. Maybe when the behaviors continue, even if they're acknowledged, it conveys invalidation?

I have my own issues with sex. I knew he wanted it, he knew I was standoffish. I didn't acknowledge how it made him feel when I put him off. For me though, his approach was lacking as well, but not something we ever discussed. For a woman, that's a hard one to bypass.

Another stinger, you write that our relationship seemed pretty terrible. In what I conveyed, what made it seem "pretty terrible"? Harsh, but it's what I'm looking for. I can see some of my behaviors, just not all of them. I was mistaken to believe all of the time we spent together, the fun we had, getting through the outside work & family difficulties together was evidence of a good relationship. Not perfect, but we were getting through. Clearly that wasn't the case. If these issues came up, we argued and worked to address them, apologized and moved forward. In the past, we wouldn't talk for days/weeks at a time. We both acknowledge this was wrong & was not the way we handled it anymore. It was these deep, ongoing issues I didn't realize were having such an impact.
It may be too little too late, but I'm at least willing to acknowledge & work on myself. I have become a little resentful because things weren't always the greatest with him either. I just didn't resort to walking out. I gave him the opportunity to work on himself, when I expressed an issue with his behavior. He walks away when I would like that same chance? Of course, not something I would say to him now, just feeling that.

I'm trying not to give up hope, but without any contact it's hard. I am reading the book, going to counseling and getting through life best as I can. If I have the opportunity to discuss, I know I need to validate and do 180s.

I would hate for it to come to an end, but his resentment is deep and not something you overcome overnight. He has to see my willingness and be open to it. If not, I know I have to protect myself. Just not a place I thought we'd be...