Hello LA, welcome to the forums!! I really hope you don't take the following as an attack but I'm reading some things in your post that do concern me, and feel they need to be brought to your attention so you can focus on what you need to do 180's on.
Originally Posted By: LAJar
He was angry & said he hated our relationship, I was controlling.
Do you think you're not controlling? Because I kind of get the impression from your first post that you might have some tendencies in that direction.
Quote:
said I hated his friends (a couple, not all)
Quote:
the city we live in (not my first choice, but getting used to it)
Quote:
Now he says, I let my son leave when he was still in high school (not true) because I didn't like the way he parented my son. I always thought he was a little too hard, but acknowledged I was just being overprotective, but never stopped him from parenting because it wasn't abusive/harmful.
Sounds to me like his above complaints are valid, and you're trying to explain them away as no big deal. There are a few lessons here, one is that what may not seem important to you may be EXTREMELY important to your spouse. Another is that when your spouse expresses displeasure about something, the proper response is to listen and validate. His feelings MATTER! If you try to argue or explain away his complaints, you INVALIDATE his feelings which makes him feel like you don't listen and don't care. Third, you probably complained a lot about these things, like the city you live in "not my first choice but getting used to it." Did you ever tell him you were getting used to it or did he just hear non-stop about how it wasn't your preference to live there?
All this kind of stuff generates a lot of negative energy and resentment which builds up over time. It sounds to me like he finally just had enough. Have you read DR? If not, do so right away. Also consider a DB coach, they can help you navigate this rough time. What you need to do is remove all pressure from him. Give him time and space. Do 180's on those things you were doing wrong in the M- it sounds like from your first post that listening and validation are two areas you could work on.
Quote:
Sex & choices on the house I knew were an issue, but the others were all new to me.
For most men a lack of sex in marriage is a giant issue. It sounds to me like you are kind of brushing it off here. It's not something you can work on now, but if and when you start reconnecting then that would be another area to do a 180.
Quote:
I thought we had a good relationship, not perfect, but laughed a lot & truly enjoyed being w/ one another.
I'll be honest with you, as a man, reading your post just made be cringe. It sounds like a terrible relationship, not one I would want to be stuck in for sure. I'm really not trying to beat you up but you need to see the truth of it to understand the magnitude of the changes you need to make if you want to recon. You really need to see what you were doing wrong here, because I think you see it all as minor stuff and it is not. Case in point:
Quote:
Like many, this severe reaction is coming out of nowhere.
I don't think that at all. There were a lot of red flags in the relationship.
Quote:
His lack of interest in trying to work things through, go to counseling, which he says we've tried (yes, 8 years ago for 3 sessions), is shocking to me.
Not really, he's probably been complaining for years and waiting for things to change. That's pretty typical- the WAS complains which makes the LBS get angry and shut down. Eventually the WAS quits trying and plans their escape. The LBS thinks things are BETTER because of the lack of complaints, so BD comes as a shock. I'm not saying he did the right thing, BD usually happens because both parties are checked out of the M and have been for quite some time. They both quit trying to fulfill the other's needs.
Quote:
I haven't had any communication with him in a week and have little hope.
There's no reason to give up hope. He was attracted to you originally, and he can be again. You have to get back to that person he was originally attracted to. Think about how you can do that.
Quote:
There is zero communication, but I know I will have to text him about the mortgage payment. He makes it & it hasn't been done. I'm dreading a response that he will not.
If it comes to that then hire an attorney and discuss how to protect yourself financially.
