Treasur, while I advocate for your self-care, I think there is a continuum of things we tell ourselves. And I don't think you are being a good friend to yourself. While I follow along with what you say, nodding all the while, once in awhile I pause.
The "he's not thinking of me, he doesn't miss me, he's going to marry the OW, that's why he wants to divorce me, I'm a cliche, his call was an accident" comments hurt me to see. I don't understand why these are part of your inner monologue to yourself.
I think you think you're NOT mind reading, because you're opting to believe the worst possibilities, but I think that is still mind reading. The only thing you know is that you don't know and it is impossible to fill in the blanks with information that you are not privy to.
However, what's the most logical thing? Reading the stories of the MLCers and their own words. Most who returned, or tried to, report that their time away was emotionally horrific. And while they may have kept up a front, they were not happy.
Now, maybe that's just because we only get to hear the stories of the ones who return, and maybe those feelings are isolated to those persons. We can't rule that out, but we also shouldn't rule it in.
I understand needing to expect the worst for your own peace of mind, but I do wish you'd be more of a friend to yourself in the process. From where I'm sitting, detached and not knowing any of the parties involved, I think you are likely incorrect in your mind-reading and I wonder why you'd want to tell yourself those things. It seems very cruel.
Do you think that the only way not to have hope/expectations is to talk down to yourself and live with that? Do you think negativity protects you?
I think there is a large grey area that you're missing, where you just don't mind-read and you don't pepper your ruminations with little insults to yourself.
Your H left. He thought that was the best decision at the time. That's true. He had a lot of negative feelings that caused him to toss an expensive watch in the river. But feelings have this way of changing. To say that he's still gone because he's happy and because you don't mean anything to him is quite the leap in logic. There are so many reasons that someone could stay on the "leaver" path that have nothing to do with our worth. Embarrassment, shame, caretaking/people-pleasing tendencies that the OW brings out, knowing on some level that there is something deeply wrong with themselves and wanting to stay away, not feeling worthy of you... Those are just a few that contract with your monologue and any one of them could be true. Yes, he could also be gloriously happy and eager to replace the life he had with you (your assumption), but I think the chances of that are small.
I would like you to be your own best friend and make sure that inner monologue is kind. I'd like you to remember that you have value and you honestly don't know what this man is thinking, and you don't need to fill in that void with thoughts that are worst case scenarios.
Treasur, you have value. You had a love life before H and you'll have one without him, if that's what happens here. But you have to take good loving care of yourself in the meantime. Find the balance in the grey area. Being so negative toward yourself probably feels like protection, but it's not. It's hurting yourself, and I'd like you to opt out of anything that resembles that.
Every time you negatively mind read, come back to that and replace it with a "I don't know, but what I do know is I have value and I am lovable."
I am not trying to say anything either way, because I can't mindread either. I do find his current actions, which you mindread/dismiss as meaningless, as interesting. From where I'm sitting, I only want you to be kind to yourself and to stop filling in the blanks with information that has you as unlovable, worthless, and easy to leave. Please.
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I suppose I do feel as if I don't sit in the centre of anyone else's life, as if I don't deeply matter to anyone. I feel as if I have lost all the witnesses and cheerleaders for the truth of my own history and who I am, that I have no one to say "do you remember when...?" with.
I don't know you, and you don't need external validation of your worth, but your past was real. You have your memories because they happened. You are someone that another person would miss, because I can tell from your posts that you are a wonderful, kind, and caring person that the world needs more of. A treasure, perhaps
