After the Storm...

[Treasur]

I've been musing this morning about D, what it really means to me and the messages in my head about it.

I never planned to get married. It wasn't part of my life plan and I never did that 'imagining my dress' thing as a young girl. I wasn't against M and my parents had a pretty good long one, I just was more interested on other things. I turned down 3 proposals in my 20s. Lived with someone for about 18 months, nice man for not for me. My H and I lived together for 6 years before we got married and I was happy with that. We shared finances and a home, but I didn't plan for us to be married, partly because of the age difference. When he asked me, it was a surprise but I did have to think hard about it because I wasn't sure what it meant to me. I did know that I'm someone who feels strongly about honouring my word though, even though I wasn't a person of faith then so I saw it differently. I think if I'm honest I married my H because I knew I loved him and it mattered to him.

What changed was that when we got married, I was blown away to realise that it did feel different and that I really liked it. It felt as if we were really on the same team, as if it added something to how we were together. The not so good side of that, with hindsight, is that over time I invested more care in him and we, and let me drop over the edge sometimes. To be fair, I think he did the same. The We became too important, and that made it fragile because it stopped us challenging how things were and our own needs.

And D? I hate being turned into a cliche of the middle-aged woman whose H ran off with a younger blonde. I hate the D process and the paperwork and the untangling of stuff. I hate the chaos of how it has happened with those lovely MLC spins. I hate the fact that I don't know why I'm being divorced, or how my best friend turned into someone who would choose to destroy my life with no apparent sign of regret or sorrow. I'm going to hate ticking divorced on boxes. But I've decided to keep my double-barrelled surname because it is a reflection of MY life journey so far and how I got to here. My H was a big part of shaping a third of my life so far and that feels like a reality not to hide from. I'm a bit scared of the short-term financial pressures, but less about the medium-term. I'm lonely sometimes, but that is because I miss my best friend and our team and the uniqueness of him, rather than being lonely as such. I quite like living alone and I really like not having to do some of the 'wifely' domestic stuff. I suppose I just miss looking to my left and seeing him beside me.

Do I think our M was a mistake? No. Do I think I tried my best to honour the promise I made to my H to be on his team? Yes. Do I feel like a failure because I'll be a divorced woman? No. Wouldn't see anyone else that way, so I don't feel that way about me either. Would it have been my first choice after 18 years? No. Was it a choice made for me? Yes. Does it hurt that the signs are that my H will get married again pretty soon after our D is finalised and that's a big driver for him? Yup, that hurts like hell, that me/18 years wasn't worth even a conversation compared to a year of OW. That obviously he thinks he can make the kind of loving commitment now to someone else that he didn't honour with me. Probably not a smart choice by either of them, being objective, but not my circus etc. Still a knife in the guts though because it makes it look like in his head I was the problem, not his actions or mental health or lack of commitment or effort...that he can 'do' great H in future but apparently not for me even after 18 years. He might be right...nah, probably not, he's still pretty broken.

What will this awful process that I never would have chosen give me? The biggest short-term gain is severing any link with his self-destruction and who he is now that hurts me. Everything from money to having to contact him at all. It is a finite process with an eventual end point unlike MLC!

It will make it easier to protect myself from the impact of his behaviour. It will make it easier for me to honestly grieve for the man I lost without being horrified by the ghastly version of a man he is now. Anything else? I don't know. Having lost my parents too, and having no kids, I suppose I do feel as if I don't sit in the centre of anyone else's life, as if I don't deeply matter to anyone. I feel as if I have lost all the witnesses and cheerleaders for the truth of my own history and who I am, that I have no one to say "do you remember when...?" with. On the flip side, it also means I have no obligations at all. I could leave the country, take up yak breeding, end my life or risk it jumping out of a plane without having to consider anyone else's needs or expectations. It is a very stark kind of freedom, but it is still freedom isn't it? No one to care but also no one to be effected. Odd feeling. It may not stay that way, but it is how it is right now.