Don't get me wrong - H is a great guy. If you met him you'd likely think so too. He is helpful, fun to be around and generous - to nearly everybody except me. We had been each other's best friend for 25 years, and I think he would like to be friends again. However I just can't let him get away with thinking that what he did to me, and is still doing, is OK. I'm forgiving, but not a doormat.
I have spent the past 2 years doing what I have to do to survive, resettling back home, holding down my great job, looking after the kids and looking like I'm having a ball (especially on Facebook - he's still on my Friends list) - all the while thinking of very little else but what I must've done wrong, the fact that it was probably precious little, and whether H is ever going to come through this MLC tunnel.
I've been to a lawyer and she says our case is pretty open/shut. I refuse to settle for a 50/50 split though, so I am negotiating with H over that. Well, as much as one can negotiate with somebody who takes 4 months to respond to about 5 emails and another 2 months to respond to my reply.
When I queried H as to why he spent the effort kicking off the D process when we hadn't even done the property settlement he said it was so he could tidy things up and 'move on'. Hadn't he already moved on? If he hadn't thought that he wanted to leave, why wasn't he interested in fixing things? If he had moved on, shouldn't the divorce itself be just a symbolic gesture to him? If so, what's the big hurry - especially when the property settlement isn't yet done? If not, did he file for divorce to hurt me? Why? [Apologies for the analytics - it gets a lot worse that that in my head though!]
I used to cry buckets. Now it's less, but I still shed tears over him. No matter how much I berate myself, trick myself into thinking about other things, tell myself I'm an idiot, run through the analytics about his behaviour and count all the ways he's a prize jerk I can't stop thinking that H will find the MLC tunnel and at some point try to come back. I go to bed thinking about him (in any one of the forms mentioned) and I always wake up thinking of him and how much I miss him. It is driving me insane, not being able to control my thoughts, let alone my subconscious!
Even if I am right about him eventually wanting to come back, I think he is angrier than he thought he would be at my 'infidelity'. Although he would know that is unreasonable for the WAS, I suspect it's why he's divorcing me - making it look like I got what was coming to me. In other ways too he seems to be taking the injured party stance - recently he told a mutual friend he had 'good reasons for ending my marriage of 24 years but I can't discuss them because it will hurt people'. Odd for him to care about hurting people - especially as he's always blamed others for his unhappiness. He isn't very good at reflecting on his own behaviour and choices and how they impact on what life throws at him.
I know that makes H sound very immature, and in some ways he really is. In many ways though he's honourable and trustworthy, even with me. I just hate the way he feels the need to be totally in control of the whole divorce process, yet he still tells everybody how controlling I was/am. I admit I like to feel like I have some influence over what might happen to me, but this is just weird.
Having said that, I think we are getting the property settlement discussion going where it needs. The divorce itself is being taken care of. All I have to do now is work out how to detach. How to stop caring. How to stop my stupid heart warring with my over analytical head. And most of all, how to kill off the perennial hope that I have that he'll wake up one day and work out what a monumental idiot he's been.
- he's still on my Friends list) - all the while thinking of very little else but what I must've done wrong, the fact that it was probably precious little, and whether H is ever going to come through this MLC tunnel.