My XW BD'd me shortly after an evening with my sister. They had gone out together, drank a bunch of wine, and apparently my sister had explained her theory of life which involved 'if you're not happy then leave'. I should note that my sister left her husband for no apparent reason and has had a series of 5 year relationships that are hot/cold at all times. She believes 'everyone should just be happy'.
Later, when I learned that my XW had been with a number of men while I was sleeping in my friend's basement and black out drinking to the point of waking up with unknown injuries, I found out my sister had referred to this as just 'some summer flings' and 'letting loose'.
Later I had a difficult decision in the aftermath of my XW's attempted suicide. I came back to the house to watch the kids while she was in the hospital. I found XW's cell phone and was torn about whether to read the messages. I called my DB coach who advised me that it was IMPERATIVE that I read the messages as I was going to be deciding if my children were safe in that home and that privacy was out the window in this situation. Well, I was shocked to see the exchanges between XW and my sister. Then, when my sister called me and I asked her about them, she immediately got in touch with XW who was at the hospital to get onto facebook messenger via cloud and delete everything. This was evidence I was planning on using to potentially protect my children and my sister was concerned about covering her own a$$ and was upset about the invasion of privacy.
Clearly by me getting carried away it is a distasteful memory.
The consequence is that I am very arm's length with my sister today. It's been over 3 years and we don't interact too much. Since I have children I have made a point to have my sister see the kids for a couple of visits...a walk, root them on in a chess tournament. But while I will make it a point for their kids to at least know their aunt, she is not welcome in my house. I will not be letting my kids spend 1:1 time with her or go on trips out of town with her (if XW allows this that's fine, but I'm not facilitating it). Oh, I forgot, turns out my sister is now getting remarried. I don't even know if I can bring myself to go to the wedding.
I love my sister. I want her to at least know my children. I don't have any poison in my heart for my sister. But I look at her as a cancer I can't accept in my life without radiation proof gloves.
You are in a difficult spot. What would the right thing to do be if she wanted to R but didn't want to reduce contact with BFF? That's a doozie. If I was already divorced there is no chance I would consider R without no-contact from such an enemy of my marriage. But if I was still married then I wouldn't let that stop me from honoring my commitment. I might not be able to open up emotionally again to my partner, and I would make it clear why, but I wouldn't walk. I would simply honor my duties as the husband as best I could. If she decided I was too aloof and stuffy and filed D, then I would move forward on my own. But I simply couldn't be emotionally intimate with a person that would get that intimate with someone that destructive.
My best friend, who I talk to an hour a day...I told him today that I had a room in my house that was his should his wife ever ask for a divorce. But I also told him that if HE initiated a divorce he wasn't welcome. Ain't no one got time for that.
Yeah, I'm going to find a reason to be busy the weekend my sister gets married again. I went to her wedding already. It was the one where she married a great guy. I was somewhat touched by the ceremony and the version of "In My Life" they sang. Not again.
Good luck bro.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
