Looking for some advice

[mxdup]

I believe the counselor is trying to get me to let her go. If I only do things that I want to do, this will push her out the door. Who actually wants to do household chores?

You're probably right about that -- counselors will often be convinced that the best thing for the couple is to separate and view it as their job to help the reluctant party accept the outcome. On the other hand, it would be irresponsible to couch that in a diagnosis of narcissism and codependency. Do you reject the counselors codependency assessment? (I'm not saying the counselor is right at all, I'm asking what you think)

From what I've read about it, I think he's correct. My Mom was verbally abused by her father in her childhood and my father was an alcoholic.
Either one of those things could make me codependent.

I agree with you that when you're in a relationship you can't just do whatever you want, that would be irresponsible.

I want to save my marriage because being with her has been the happiest time of my life.

Why? What did the marriage give you that made you so happy, and what did she do that made you so happy? It's unusual for a marriage to have one super happy spouse and one upset spouse. Typically both people are unhappy to varying degrees.

That's just the thing that I don't understand. We were both very happy up until sometime recent. In fact last year she mentioned renewing our vows for our 5th year anniversary which was in April. As recently as February we took a cruise together and we completely connected throughout. Then sometime after we got home she started complaining more and more about work, the cats and me. Looking back I get the feeling that when she came home after our week away she became overwhelmed at the life she came back to living.

I can't say I disagree. She has pushed me away over the past year by working more hours. I'm lucky if I see her for more than a few minutes a day.

So in this analysis the lack of passion is 100% due to her pushing you away. That may be completely accurate but I just want to challenge you to push a bit deeper -- do you own any part of the lack of passion? If so, what?

I believe that I became discouraged by her constant complaining about her job. It's all she wanted to do is complain. I told her to quit and she said she couldn't leave. I believe that I started to ignore her ramblings about work thus pushing her away.

You say that you are passionate about the stock market and self help books. Is your wife passionate about those things as well? What passions do you share or have you shared historically? What is she passionate about right now and is there any way you can participate in that?

No, she could care less about investments, politics, etc. The one thing that we have always shared is a passion for music. For the most part we listen to very different music but we both love all kinds. Seeing live music is definitely something we can do together. In fact we have several tickets to upcoming shows.

I want to work together towards common goals. I think she would rather be with someone more adventurous, spontaneous, interesting. I'm pretty boring compared to her. I go to work every day, keep up with the household chores, etc. She likes to go to heavy metal concerts and jump out of airplanes. I'm not trying to sound pathetic but I was flabbergasted when I found out that she liked me. I seriously have no idea what she saw in me. If I could figure that out, it would probably be the switch I need to flip to change her mind.

That is a fairly low self-esteem outlook right? You're describing yourself as non-adventurous, non-spontaneous, uninteresting and boring. If you see yourself that way, she will too (and so will everyone else).

You are absolutely correct, I didn't realize how bad that sounded. I would only describe myself in those ways when comparing myself to her. Compared to many people I'm adventurous, interesting, etc. I think the lesson here is that I see myself as boring compared to her and so she must be seeing it too.

Turning this around starts with you, but you have to *want* to change it. If you're just doing it as a tactic to get her back, she'll see through it and it won't work at all.

I'm not suggesting there is anything wrong with you or that you need to do some kind of crazy personality reversal -- everybody lives on a spectrum. If your current tolerance of spontaneity and adventure is a 3, can you set a goal to make it a 4? That's different from trying to make it a 10. Focus on baby steps. If you were more adventuresome, spontaneous, interesting and engaging what would you be doing? Figure that out, and then try doing that and see how you feel, *or* decide that you're just fine the way you are and if she doesn't like it she can pound sand. It's your choice to make what you want to do. She's established that the current relationship equilibrium isn't working for her, so you can either say "goodbye good luck" or change things up.

Great advice. I don't have to suddenly become Indiana Jones, she would think it was fake anyhow.

In terms of what your wife saw in you, or why she was attracted to you to begin with, the answer is that because she saw something in you that appealed to something she needs, maybe subconsciously. Typically the things we love about someone are the same things we hate -- it's a ying/yang. If you love someone because they are spontaneous, you will also typically hate that they are unpredictable. If you love that someone is outgoing, you may eventually hate the fact that they don't spend enough time focusing on the relationship, etc. etc.

As with everything else, these things are on a spectrum. If you "need" someone who is spontaneous, you can either end up with someone who's a "10" on the scale and is completely unreliable, or you can end up with someone who is a "6" and is spontaneous "enough" of the time, but can also be responsible when they need to be, or for the things that matter.

For your wife, she may have loved your stability and reliability. Maybe when you met you were a "7" on the stability/reliability scale and since getting married you've moved to a "9" and now she doesn't like it. Or maybe you were always a "9" but she convinced herself you were a "7".

That's probably very true. When we started dating I was stable in my job but I had hobbies, crazy friends etc. Now I've settled into a much more boring routine.

I believe what your counselor is suggesting is that you try moving down this scale, become more spontaneous and more adventuresome. I believe the counselor's recommendation would represent an extreme change to how you operate, and that's not realistic. Instead of going from a "9" to a "1", try going from a "9" to an "8", and then two weeks later to a "7".

Your wife will notice, and you have time, you have much more time than you think you have. Focus on you and decide what you want, and what you're willing to do to get it.
Acc

Thanks for the advice, that sounds logical. I really appreciate hearing that I have time. I feel like I'm holding onto a runaway horse and it's a horrible feeling.