Dear 25 I don't know you as well as others here, but I sense your grace and strength and fight. 'Han' is a perfect word for the sorrow of this. There are no answers. I am sitting with you too. I see you like a kintsugi bowl, broken and repaired with gold.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Two years ago my brother (would have been incarcerated for life, no parole) died suddenly in his sleep. Autopsy revealed no known cause and it was chalked up to "accidental death." Initially I felt nothing. He and I were very close, I wrote him weekly and he responded. His absence took a long time to register for me. It was the little things at first, I almost mailed him a letter a week after he died as it had become a part of my routine. I kept that letter for a year before I disposed of it. Then I would think of something I wanted to tell him and a smile would start to form then suddenly...oh...yeah.
That emptiness is still there. I have tried to lessen it. I have read little sayings about memories keeping him "alive" and in the end I just had to embrace that this would never go away. And that's ok. When someone we love dies we have to respect that grief. While the intensity may lessen it will never vanish. Honor yourself and your pain, honor the bond you had with your mother and do what you need to do to get through this incredibly tough anniversary.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
UPDATE Last Week of Unfun Anniversaries/Miestones...
Okay so the anniversary passed and I did not die. I went out with my new peeps from DivorceCare, which is a great group that I think is national/international. All new people in my life.
They were so kind. They are all younger, but so what? They made a cake that said "Happy Freeversary". I was touched and comforted and kind of glad it's all a new group of people.
I have long term friends in the area and siblings. But I don't want to be the pitied single aunt. Meeting new people is stimulating and I don't think of h in as painful a way when I am with this group.
When I'm with long time friends and family, I feel I am associated with being part of a couple. I was married longer than I was single. God, that's weird. So it's good to meet people who never saw me as a married woman/part of a couple that is no longer.
I would not have designed the cake that way, b/c I didn't feel like "celebrating the freedom" so much as marking the day and moving past it. But I can see feeling good about freedom in the not too distant future.
I am trying to reconcile who my h was and is. I am okay with not being able to do it yet.
My T says that that it is normal to see the STBX as 2 different entities, and in time, my good memories won't all be tainted.
That's a long term goal^^.
To be able to say "yeah, that trip/event was a good family experience or romantic time" and not immediately jump into self doubt or erasure of the good parts. I dont' want to feel like my life was wasted. Mom's Day
The next day was my mom's passing away day. For obvious reasons I don't want to call it "D day". I'm one of 9 kids, (1 of 4 sisters).
We went to my older sister's house where my mom lived in her last years. Mom LOVED it there. We ate one of my mom's favorite dishes (BLT's- which I have not had since she died), and we drank her favorite drink and hung out in her room, which remains as it was when she lived.
*When cash is not an issue for me, I want to help my older sister remodel the room in some way, so it's not as blatantly obvious that our mom is gone. I swear it feels like a few weeks since we last spoke.
Anyhow, we created a tradition that felt natural for us. We marked her absence and played a few of her more hilarious voice messages. And it was sad and funny and touching.
For the first time in a long long time, I cried really hard driving back to my condo. I'm sure there was a combination but it felt as if I was sadder for my mom not being around than missing h. I must admit that the past few years, I was lonely INSIDE the m...
My mom would have comforted me a lot.
She was French and very dramatic. Not histrionic, just filled with superlatives and when English words failed her, she'd gesticulate.
I can imagine her now, wildly swatting the air at H and calling him a "jerk from jerk town!" (She's the only person I know, who used or invented that idiom).
And she'd be "shocked!, Shocked I tell you!" at h's behavior. She'd also tell me to move the hell on. And she'd swat again and wave "GOOD BYE!" to h, too.
More stuff coming...thanks for keeping up with this journey.
s
YEAH YOU READ THAT RIGHT!! OMG I'm so delighted and relieved. As is she.
We got a miraculous victory
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't know why that post was so long and weird looking.
OKAY so news on my "d20", formerly known as "d19...
A few days ago she was in a dark place. She texted about mental health coverage for her up there where her college is. Obviously I called her immediately and
She said she was suicidal and we spoke until 4 am. I did some research for an in patient hospital in her area. I found one. It scared the heck out of me that she'd discuss taking her life.
I cannot even describe this^^ well. Honestly, I am afraid to ask what could be worse.
She's faced a lot of loss this past year. She loved my mom too. She felt a lot of unknowns with what was going on with her college, (where she'd live in 2 weeks) or what she'd do if we could not swing the finances. And her account was on hold till her finances were worked out. I've applied for loans without a job, citing the spousal support I'm SUPPOSED to get...
Yes - naturally I offered her a place to stay - she can always live with me -but it would be a real blow to her. I'm 400 miles south of her college, and the home she grew up in out west, was sold. There's no known "home" for her now. She will be in my condo next month for a family wedding and this is where her stuff is...
Given her fragile state, I prayed that she'd be okay no matter what.
So today, her school informed her/us that she was awarded a grant of about 90%.
Incredible, great timing, almost a feeling of grace and the divine b/c the timing could not have been better.
I feel so relieved and grateful.
Is it weird/wrong for me to also feel a sense of victory over h or the divorce? he has been in control of so much. He did try to punish her and us for not being happy for HIM
and I cannot explain or grasp what his thought process was. Yeah, it is narcissistic to disconnect your behavior from the results.
And I grasp that I will not grasp this. I will never understand or agree with his choices.
But I accept them.
And this victory of D20's with school means that we don't need h and his one contribution to our family, i.e. money.
Turns out HE may have been replaced...wow, until i wrote that out, I did not realize it.
Hmmm, food for thought.
Oh - the stinking divorce hearing was AGAIN moved back to October. My L wanted the original judge who knows the case file, and h's lawyer wanted to Not have the judge who was there. So they agreed to reset the date until October. Sheesh...in October the hearing will really only set a trial date unless we settle.
Apparently the numbers need to come from us, so I'm trying to figure that out. Makes me sick that h could steal from the retirement accounts and just hide his assets.
I'm "okay" with my L, but not overwhelmed with her plans...when I asked about a judgement against h being used when he inherits from his dad, she did not know the answer. To ME, that's a 5 minute research question a divorce attorney ought to know...now I'll research it myself. I also knew more about the military and disability pay than she did. But that was an underlying reason I hired that firm - b/c they said they knew this. They were the 3rd or 4th attorneys I interviewed. The senior partner is more expensive but he is the reason I went with them...I have confidence in him and he is her boss, so I'm staying with them.
NEW TOPIC (who needs segues?? Let's ride a bike!)
I met an attractive man my age. That's a first, b/c most of them are married or really don't seem like they care about how they look. OR they make such declarative statements it can come across as certainty that cannot be challenged. Politically or religiously - it's like they are challenging me to argue with them, to dare to disagree.. Who wants that?? Anyway...
That's it for now.
Again, thanks for sticking with me on this surreal adventure.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Got a job interview! If it goes well, it'd still be a few months before I actually walk into an office and get a check. But it's a start and so far it's something I'd be interested in and value.
D20 has appointments with a T this week, and the MD next week. (The doctor increased her meds for now). Already she is less stressed, thank God.
We worked out college tuition and I got a school loan for the remainder of it today. So she's all set and that's a HUGE victory.
S31 helped this get done and d28 had helped her with her original college application (I was out of town when it was due). And I visited her east coast colleges with her.
So really it was a family effort - and h was not involved. Geez, I didn't think of it that way until the words were on the screen. H had no involvement until we dropped her off. I feel as if he cut her off partly b/c he really is selfish. Sure, punishing me and punishing her b/c she is "not supportive of h's happiness", contributed. But maybe he's just a jerk and doesn't even think things all out. (And no, it does not really matter.)
S31 texted us all (= me and the kids) about how this success was a "big F-u to h!" and S31 used h's first name, not title of "dad/father."
Then s31 added that it was my "time to kick a$$ in divorce court"...
They are angry at h. Yeah, I knew that before of course. But it made me sad for the kids (and h I guess) that they'd refuse to use his position of parent. Damn, that's ominous.
so the kids saw THIS school resolution as a way to fight back and feel empowered.
yes H cut d20 off for college and yes he kept all the backpay I was owed half of. (Yes that's a violation of a court order). But we handled it anyhow. So H does not control everything.
Maybe that's what s31 meant. I replied that I 'understand their views' b/c I did not want to pile on.
I think I have to just Let them have their feelings.
Now I'm back to GDC and job hunting. Court hearing in October is for setting a trial date or working out a settlement with h.
A weight is off my shoulders for d20 and can focus on my own future now. I feel hopeful.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's sad what your stbxh has done to his relationship with the kids. I agree with not piling on but allowing them to have their feelings. You're lucky that your kids see it now; mine all came to their awareness gradually over time.
As for your daughter - narcissists only value their children if they're making them look good. Kids who look less than perfect - mental health issues, gender or sexual orientation issues, obesity, lack of success - are not valued. One of my kids recently told me he feels replaced by friends kids ( beautiful, successful) that his father is paying more attention to than his own kids. And they fall for his narcissist charm, think he's "so cool", without knowing all the ways he has abandoned his own kids.
The fact that your kids are pulling together to support D20 is great.
25--I'm so terribly sad about your daughter. I hope she is doing better and that the lessening of the financial pressure and the manner in which her siblings pulled together for her show her how much love she has in her life.
Thrilled that you don't need his money to help her and that things are looking up in general with the interview and the gentleman.
