I know what Sandi says and I think she is most likely correct. Having said that I think the more crucial part of what she says in there is focused on "respect". If she claims to be friends yet is mean and cold towards you or goes to hang out then obviously something else is going on.
On the other hand, if your W is ashamed of what happened and afraid etc...maybe she needs time. Her shift from violence to trying to be nice (page 1 on this thread) could be a sign of that. The challenge is that you don't know for sure if she respects you. Her actions should kind of offer insight into this.
As to your kid that is the real tricky question: part of me thinks the child should never have to suffer and if you have to lie so be it. Is she a good mom to him? If yes, then go for it. If no, then well then she doesn't deserve your kindness.
However, you also disclosed what her IC told you. To me that tells me your W needs help and she either doesn't recognize that or isn't ready. So removing yourself physically from the home might allow you to enjoy a quiet evening (maybe pick up S to go do things together).
But that requires you to exercise incredible amounts of patience, grace and compassion. Comparing to my sitch I had to do that and it was already excruciating at times but I received warmth back from W. It doesn't seem like you receive it on a consistent basis. It seems...one day she is nice and the next she is cold. That is a roller coaster you cannot risk your sanity on.
But filing for a D also doesn't seem like it's really what you want to do. Your W might even shrug it off. So go do fun things, make her miss you, involve your son so she feels maybe that she is missing out. Let her take the step to express that she wants to be involved and maybe allow her every now and then. That might be a gentle way where she realizes what she will miss. Sitting on the couch watching a movie with all of you won't do that.
