Advice

[Accuray]

Yikes Fish!

You're under a lot of pressure. You have the situation with the house and your pregnancy, and the after effects of a miscarriage, and a wayward husband all at the same time. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

If you want your husband back, and you should think hard about that based on what's happened, then I'm afraid to say that you're going to have to make things worse before they can get better.

Right now, from his perspective, he has you right where he wants you. You're there for the taking if he decides to come back, he has all the power in the relationship right now, which lets him do whatever he wants to do while preserving a safety net.

This will take a huge leap of faith and a lot of discipline. First of all I highly recommend engaging a telephone coach on this site to ride along with you step by step, since they can work back and forth with you it makes things easier and I guarantee you'll feel a lot better.

If you can't do that for whatever reason, the simple prescription is to start giving him space -- more space than he wants. I wouldn't go "cold turkey" on the daily messaging, but I would start to withdraw. Wait longer and longer before responding, sometimes don't respond at all, and just generally slowly pull back.

Start to "get a life" meaning go out with other people, and don't tell him where you're going or what you're doing, be mysterious! You need him to wonder what you're up to and what you're thinking.

So far, it's been like playing a game of poker where he can see all of your cards and you can't see any of his. Time to change that up -- don't tell him anything about what you want, how you're feeling, what you're thinking, nothing. When he sees you or contacts you, convince him that you're happy, self confident, and are doing your own thing and don't need him at all. You don't miss him, your life is so full, why would you? You don't have time to think about it.

What will this do?

-- It will take away his perception of having a safety net
-- It will make him wonder what you're doing, and you will progressively occupy more of his thoughts
-- It will make him wonder if you're available to him at all if he wants to come back
-- It will establish you as a happy, independent, confident person, and that's who everyone wants to be with

He will be attracted to the notion that he may have to chase you to get you back, play hard to get. He will value you more if you're a prize to be won, versus something he can just go back to.

This will be *very uncomfortable* for you, so prepare yourself for it. You need to grab the steering wheel and take control of the relationship. You need to distance when you want to cling.

Line up a support network for yourself of people who are not him, set up DB coaching appointments or engage a therapist, exercise regularly, and go out and meet new people. It's the best thing you can do.

Acc