Irish .. I will propel this talk as its a very good one that we all must at the least touch on at some point.
I can not recall which thread but this very topic came up and went on for a solid 5-6 pages in my story.
When I see forgiveness I always think back to a night in church. As I have shared I became Catholic as a part of this journey I was sent off on against my will, looking back was clearly one of the best things that was to come out of all this for me. As a new Catholic I actually struggled here .... knowing I should try to love as God loves, live my life according to His teachings I struggled with this forgiveness thing. So it was two parts ... the first part was just to realize I was in absolutely no position to judge, not with all I have done in my life.
But the second part ... the forgiveness was harder, not only forgiveness towards my MLCr ... but also the OM. How can I forgive both of them for destroying the one sacred thing I had .. my family, my marriage? So it was a December where the church called in 25 priests to take confessions prior to Christmas, almost like a Drive in Confession type thing which seems less formal than the traditional confession. I wait in line and get to a priest and share with him that I am still dealing with anger and holding back forgiveness and struggling with it. I will never forget this till the day I die. He actually asked me if I remembered what Jesus said as he was crucified and up on the cross ... I replied with the famous "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do". He said "That is correct, but notice Jesus did not say 'I forgive you' ... he asked the Father to forgive them because I believe He Himself was not ready to forgive those people and asked God to do so." I sat there stunned. He said "Continue your path and when you are ready you will be able to forgive them".
That's the thing with all this, there is no rush to forgive them today, tomorrow , next week. When you are ready you will be able to freely forgive. And I agree ... its more for you than for them and I do not believe you really need them to ask for forgiveness to be able to forgive, that has no relevance .... they could ask for forgiveness today but you may not really be able or willing to forgive for some time. Accepting this line of though was liberating for me, no deadline, no pressure and thats where the true forgiveness should come from ... it should be natural and not forced/guilted just because we feel its what we need to do.
For the record ... almost 4 years past I am not sure if I have completely forgiven, I have however arrived to a place where I am not allowing her actions to be my anchor and keep me from moving forward to where I need to be. I have few bad feelings towards her, conversely few good ones either. I can look back at memories and smile and appreciate them for the good times they were ... and also see the bad times for what they were... just bad times.
