25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

[25yearsmlc]

25, what's the news? How is your daughter? How are you? You are so busy spreading wisdom to everybody else, please let us show you some care too.

Long post coming - Journal entry, really...thanks for asking and I apologize in advance for the length. It's a process and it does help to write it out. Sometimes it's shocking to see my thoughts and feelings on paper. It always helps me, however.

No news on d's college but she herself sounds pretty happy. Yeah it is cutting it close in terms of d's college classes. Very close. Both d's are coming to a family wedding next month so we 3 will be together in my condo. That makes me happy.

How am I doing? - I don't know. I'm definitely seeing signs of stress in that I can see disorganization on my end. That is very frustrating (for me and for my L) and it's odd.
I let the condo become a wreck and only began to clean last night. WTF?

I Last night I had just started to shed some tears & BAM! I stopped myself. I muted the lovely music on the TV. Not sure if that is healthy or not.

Lots of things I cannot watch or hear, but I seem loathe to have silence in the home.

Tonight with the support group, I am practicing self care. I told them it was my anniversary and they are making an effort.

I am Trying NOT To think about the past 35 anniversaries. No pondering the wedding night and putting all my good memories in the sh1tty new light of my own marital revisions.
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One big big goal of mine now is to STOP the second guessing about when h changed or what I should have noticed.

Don't get me wrong, I made huge mistakes. Gotta learn from them. BEFORE I came upon DB - before the first craziness of "MLC" or whatever, I would get mad & resentful when h chose to work late.

I'd have my arms crossed in resentment. That did not make h come home earlier so even if I had "a good reason" for anger, it did not help ME/family/m.

So you'd think I'd try another tact, like welcoming him home with open arms so he'd want to return more. I mean, at least try something different! Ugh.

It was not until his original crazy selfish episode known as "MLC", that I db'd. And I changed.

Since then, I was vastly improved with restraint. I did not lash out, I did not whine or nag, and I forgave a lot. I did not do it with feigned grace, but with humility and a quiet acceptance.

I loved that man deeply. Now I see that I projected remorse and shame on him b/c I would have felt those emotions if I had made his choices.

But I did not probe when I should have. I did not let red flags of deceit or selfishness alarm me, as they should have. And I let way too much slide. I practically set no boundaries and did not enforce any.

I am not suggesting angry reactions! They never served me well.

Here's a rhetorical question for the world. What if I had slipped h a magical truth serum 10+ years ago - and what if - down deep - we just were not that important to him?

What if that^^^ were the truth? Would I have left then?


Back then, h knew his choices didn't sound like behaviors of a good man, which is how he sees himself. So he edited his answers. And I accepted them...
His choices sounded selfish b/c they were and are. H has a strong sense of entitlement that I did not fully grasp.

H does not care if what he wants is wrong or selfish, (no internal moral compass)

but he did/does care about how he and his choices are viewed by others. It's image management.

That often requires vilifying ME, and I work to detach from that and not care. I have no control over it, obviously...

H had to get everything he wanted. I used to think that was ambition... But it's just entitlement in the extreme.


To my knowledge, the only thing h did not get in his life, was the grand return to Alaska. He could not let it go, so, then he effectively stole & lied to get.


He chose a place/job over me and our marriage and he did it 10 years ago when there were 2 children still at home, one of whom sobbed when he left. Then He got lonely, and missed us then, and we reconciled.

But his present OW addresses the loneliness part so he doesn't have to worry about that. And he has again placed a job and place (and her for all I know) over our marriage and history and over the future I had thought we both wanted...

I did not know of her when I filed for divorce, and I'm really glad. I know it was not an act of jealousy, but of survival for me. So I know it's not about her, but hey, **turns out I resent people who sleep with married partners. And post on FB about their Christian faith. Yeah I'm funny that way

It has now been 10 months of separation, (I mean, you know, the separation I was aware OF)

...when I think of h's over the top fb posts of OW and him, when we were barely separated and my heart was so broken, I am amazed.

Disgusted and amazed. What a jerk. Kind of sadistic really, but WAIT - his pride and HIS feelings were hurt just a week before!! I had a wage garnishment attached due to the insane irregular deposits h would send, ("How dare 25!!?")

AND s31 had declined the chance to meet OW in Mexico (a place we visit every year).

H got angry on the phone with S31, and that was the last time they spoke.

So, HE SHOWED ME!
I wondered if the post was solely to punish AND Or if he just wanted praise and affirmation, which he needs a lot of.

then I remind myself it does not matter why. I will never know why! H may not know why.

I only know it's unacceptable $h1tty behavior.

And I don't have that^^ kind of ugliness in my life anymore, no more hidden contempt suddenly in my face.

No more seething & undisclosed resentments, no more "morphed events" that make his mistakes MY fault, no more blame shifting and no more gas lighting. No more lies that I convince myself are somehow, true...

And no more repression on MY end, where I look away from the painful behaviors of the man I was committed and loyal to, for most of my life and all of my adult life.

I have a lot of authentic relationships now, in fact that's all I have in my life. Man, that feels good to write.

I feel loved and cared for, and you know what? It makes sense! I'm a kind person, I'm smart, (and freaking hilarious - and modest!) and I tune in to people and I give a crap. So I have good r's with people.

My mom's death anniversary is tomorrow - (yeah, not a great week). So my sisters & I are creating traditions that will comfort us and honor her.

And I hope this will be the last week of sad milestones. I hope/think I am turning a corner.

But it's like this is a maze with a lot of corners.