Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

I understand some people just get very angry with their spouse after BD. But I do believe that anger is misplaced. Personally I never did get angry with W, I understood it wasn't easy for her, that she felt like she needed to do it to save herself, that she was confused, and most of all that she didn't hate me, that she just didn't want to be married anymore. I really don't see it as being her fault. Our M had been on autopilot for a long, long time. That was as much my fault as hers. What I never realized until it was too late is that while autopilot was OK for me, it was not for her.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that I truly feel my XW and I resolved things quicker and easier by remaining cordial and open to discussion throughout. I am not saying it was easy, but it was a lot easier than it could have been. And for me that was a large part of saving myself. A long, ugly court battle would have sent me into depression and anxiety all over again.

Thanks for the perspective, AS.

I don't know if a cordial resolution in the D is in the cards for us. Maybe W will surprise me with her generosity, but I'm pretty skeptical. I already know what she wants (she emailed it to me), and I'm pretty sure the goal of her talk is to finalize it with me. I know the final D decree is all that matters, but I've been told that any precedent I establish now could have a bearing on the final decree.

Do you think the time difference between BD and the D (about 20 months) helped you in this regard? I'd imagine you'd already gone through your anger by the time you were facing D. Unfortunately, this is all really fresh for me (BD in April), and the anger I'm feeling at the moment is mostly due to having to tell my kids. The anger has subsided a little since we told them a few weeks ago, and I can see how it'll probably continue to lessen. But for now it's making it really hard for me to DB. Maybe I've been acting cold toward W - it's the best I can muster right now.