Leah, part 4

[leahsue]

Well, here's a little update.

I'm rocking along making preparations to file for D, but cannot get comfortable with the attorney I've hired, so checking into other recommendations, etc., which is taking much longer than it should for various reasons.

H is on beach trip with his mom and sisters over the weekend. They returned on Sunday, but he did not fly out until today (Tuesday). So just on a whim, yesterday morning after his sister called me on her way in to work and told me that he was still at her house, and that he had not said much during the trip except that he and I had tried to work things out and couldn't (?????) and that he had seemed a little down and not quite himself, I called him. He did not answer but texted me in a few minutes and said he had been in the shower. So I just texted him back and said, if you're still in town, I'd love to see you, and I'd like for you to see the house. No hard talk, just to meet up and visit for a bit. He called me, and said he'd really like that, so he came down about 12 and we spent the afternoon together.

It just almost surreal, because it went so much better than I could have expected, but then again, it went exactly like I had pictured it when I thought it was going to happen earlier this spring. It was very easy and natural feeling. We visited for a bit, I showed him the house and gardens and all the improvements, then he asked if I wanted to get some lunch. So we went to the DMV office and took care of a car tag, then when I suggested places to lunch, he said I'd really like to just go somewhere quick then go back to the house and spend some time with you by the pool. So we went by the market and picked up some light things and came home. We spent the afternoon by the pool, had a few drinks, and just enjoyed our time. Every now and then, we would veer off into R talk, but one of us would pull us back. There was still some serious chemistry between us, and we allowed some of that, but I was very strong about boundaries, which was tough, but I definitely left him wanting to come back. There was a lot of flirting, which was so refreshing. We did discuss divorce, and I asked him if that was what he wanted. He said I honestly don't know what I want, but I would totally understand if you D me. He said, but even if you do, I would still want to come down and spend time with you. It felt like to me, that not much would really change if we D right now. I certainly would not go back up north to live if we don't, not right now anyway. It just felt like maybe I should hold off and see where this goes. We both realize and acknowledge that if one of us meets someone, etc., then so be it. He said he is no longer in a relationship with anyone, which may or may not be true. I just didn't feel the need to know more about that right now. What I DO know is, he still has feelings for me, and he even said he loves me and misses me. And I think, for now, that is where I am going to leave it. Just go ahead with my life here, and if and when I feel I need a divorce from him, then I will file. I'm just not sure we are done with each other forever. And while I don't think a divorce will help me right now, unless he starts to be weird with finances, I do see where it could hurt me.

When he left, he called me on his way back to his sister's, and thanked me for the day. He said he's not felt that happy in a long time. He even started to say something about let's look at a weekend soon when you're free...... and I just laughed and said Hold on, cowboy, let's just enjoy what we had today, for now. He laughed and we hung up.

I have no idea what even today will bring. I expect HUGE pushback from my friends and family about the little bit I plan to share with them, because they are going to see myself setting up for another hurt. But I've spoken with my counselor this morning, and she is supportive of me doing what I feel is right for me, right now. Hopefully she can help me navigate these waters to find the answers that work for me, and not let others' opinions influence me to move too quickly. I have a hard time with that.

I don't mind 2x4s from you guys though. And I expect some. That's OK. Somehow it's easier to take them from you, than from my sister or my kids. I know they just want to protect me.

Ownit, I hope you are seeing this. Sorry I cut the texting short last night. I honestly have not been that tired in a long time. Although it was a really good day, I found myself completely wiped out last night. I slept a good 8 hours straight, and it's been a long time since that happened.

One day at a time......