In all honesty, I think she was mad that I would not move out for 90 so she can make up her mind.
And good move on that by the way. Lots of LBS's get bullied into moving out, not only does that displace the LBS and give the WAS exactly what they want but ironically it also makes the LBS look weak and powerless to the WAS. They lose what little respect they may have had for them. If you hold your ground they may pitch a fit, but they will still respect you for it.
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I pushed her to seek the D as I was mad and at that time felt more strongly about an A.
I guess you know now not to do that. Your job is to REMOVE ALL PRESSURE (assuming you don't want D). That means no R talks, no D talks, no "serious" talks at all really unless she initiates them.
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Is it stupid to think that the reality and finality of a D has settled in, that and the lower pressure sitch that I created by following the rules? That that is the cause of her change in attitude?
Probably not, it's far too early in the sitch for her to be changing her mind. I mean anything is possible, but it would be very unusual.
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In reading about boundaries, both here and elsewhere is that they must be stated.
I think you are still misunderstanding what boundaries are. Not to beat a dead horse, but your example of telling your W she is not allowed to pretend everything is OK, that is not a boundary because the reality is she IS allowed to pretend everything is OK. And a boundary isn't about telling someone what they can't do, it is about coming to a mutual agreement and telling them what the ramifications will be if they don't comply with the agreement. For example, your W shouts at you all the time. You finally sit down with her and ask her not to anymore and she agrees. But then a week later she's doing it again. So you set a boundary:
"Wife, when you scream at me it makes me extremely uncomfortable and it upsets the kids because they can overhear you from anywhere in the house. You've agreed not to, but you continue to do it. The next time you have an outburst I am going to take the kids and we will leave the house until you can get yourself under control."
This boundary is reasonable because no one should tolerate getting yelled at, it's a form of emotional abuse. It's enforceable because there are ramifications that have been stated, and they can be executed if the boundary is breached.
An example of a smaller boundary might be that you've agreed to do the dishes each night, but when it comes time you always make an excuse not to. So your W might tell you "H, you agreed to do the dishes but you never do. From now on when you don't do the dishes then the next day I won't be making dinner."
I hope that helps you understand it a little better. An added complexity in this is boundary setting gets more difficult after BD. The WAS considers the M over, so using your example where you want to set a boundary with your W that she needs to keep you informed of the D, what consequence can you set for that? You're going to leave her? File for D? That's not really a consequence to her, because that's what she wants anyway. When it comes to a WAS you can't really set an enforceable boundary regarding them talking to you or keeping you informed of anything.
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What I want is to know what her temperature is. I want to ask her what are her current thoughts and feelings.
Temperature checking is not a good idea, but we all end up doing it at some point. Here's the thing about temperature checking- you are not going to hear what you want to hear. Here's why- if she changes her mind and wants the M back YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW. So the very fact that you have to ask means that she is not there yet, and thus whatever answer she give you will NOT be the one you want. In fact it will most likely make you sad, upset and sorry you asked.
