Hi. This is my first post, although I have been reading this site for over four years. I just wanted to say to you that you are not alone. My situation is very similar and I think I truly understand and can empathise with you and your situation. You, OwnIt and I could have quite the chinwag.
Not to highjack but to give background, my husband was a vanisher to the best of his ability since first OW was discovered in 2013. Always maintained some contact and twice had some hope set that he was leaving the tunnel. Have come to the conclusion that he is too weak or cowardly to do the work to fight his demons and, out of the blue, he stealthily filed for divorce January of this year. He has been dragging his feet and either has a bad lawyer or dumb a "dumb as a fox" lawyer while husband is either burying his head in the sand or just lying to me while thinking he is clever. After his lawyer avoiding mine and the exchange of financial info., and not sending in writing agreeing to not file for Divorce Absolut until financial agreement is in place, I got the Divirce Nisi in the mail. Now heading to mediation appt to protect myself.
I, too, am struggling with my old husband vs. Imposter or, my new theory, my real husband who couldn't keep up the charade of being nice and loving any longer and maybe MLC husband is the real husband. I do understand the reluctance to admit there is that tiny sliver of hope. This seems to be the only place to let that vulnerability show with others who totally get it. I feel once I let go of that sliver the door will slam shut forever. I hope I am not being presumptuous in relating my situation and feelings to yours. Maybe I should start my own thread but feel like now my marriage is winding down and is on its last legs it would not benefit others.
You are an inspiration to me and I think you are handling things really well. I think our situations are in the minority on here because we have been hanging on for so long and it is difficult for people to understand that the situation is so fluid. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story.
Me 54. H 49 MLC/WAH T-2004 M-2005 No kids BD 6/13 ILYBN h moves out OW 4/13 2ndOW 11/13 on and off but still on. Overlap with first. Can't be alone.
Please start your own thread so we do not hijack this one
How to start a thread
I will use what Job wrote
First Click on Newcomers then:
Originally Posted By: job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
...and having to realise that my STBXH is so keen to see the back of me that he will agree to almost anything.
Mine is financially handicapping himself because it was so important to get away from me. Somehow the impact of his choices (where I gave him what he wanted and left) are also my fault. He truly believes he's found clarity, and that any mistakes were made back when he met me and mistakenly trusted me.
However, mine would also avoid court with his emotionally abusive ex-wife at all costs because "women always win." Guess who is suing me? That doesn't quite fit. I'm trying to remain humorous about it, because I'm a great deal smarter than his ex...
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Why do you think MLCers hate us so strongly?
I think there is an element of wanting to get rid of the old life, and we're a reminder. I think there is also a drive to get rid of anyone who 'sees' them, as vulnerability is seen as dangerous. And it feels so dangerous for them to look inside themselves that they desperately search the external, and who better to blame than the person they chose to have by their side every day?
They're adult men operating on a child's operating system.
It's hard. I'm somewhat happy that he's standing up for himself. I just wish he'd do it with the women who mistreat him and use him. But I'm also trying my hardest to detach from caring about him and what he does to his life. It hurts to be hated out of nowhere by someone who used to be my biggest fan. He also wanted me to feel treasured and cherished, and then took that security away in an instant.
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The email to his L is an interesting insight into an MLC head actually. Struggles with dates, says he can't remember a lot of things including his own previous employment pension! Lot of lies and half-truths, and a tone which is partly self-pitying and partly full of entitlement.
Yes, H called my mother, looking for me since I wasn't returning his calls. She put him on speakerphone so her BF could hear (BF used to be H's biggest fan) and both of them walked away from the call disturbed by his voice. It was either this callous, controlling, entitled voice or a wavering childlike voice that was shaking as if he was on the verge of tears.
They said the old H doesn't seem to be there anymore. I agree.
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Sometimes I just want to cry...I've no idea how this became my life. Or what I did to deserve such horrible and comprehensive rejection by someone who loved me. Press on through the pain in hope of only having to do it once, right?
I'm sorry, Treasur. I wish there were some way to make it better for you. You deserve peace and happiness.
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I think it was probably shameful for him when the divorce process meant he had to show things he'd hidden and that was maybe part of his procrastination, rather than a remnant of feeling for me.
I believe it's probably both, rather than either/or. I understand if you want to believe otherwise, but I don't believe feelings just disappeared. I think they are buried because that's what's comfortable for him and allows him to do all of this.
I think MLC is a repression of the present day truth so that the childhood issues can resurface and be dealt with. I think when the MLC is over - if they go through the stages and come out the other side - the repression reverses, except there is less from the past to be shoved down, since it's finally been dealt with (if they chose to do that.)
I can only think of it as sudden mental illness that took the man I loved. Maybe he'll beat it, or maybe he won't. I can't help him with it; he's made sure of that by symbolically burning everything we had to the ground.
Gosh,citygrl, I don't feel like much of an inspiration at all. I veer between feeling like an idiot and a wailing 5 year old...still, it is nice of you to give me a long-distance bit of encouragement. I think you're right - you, me & OwnIt could have a parteee!
Our sitchs are a bit similar, I think, although how you've lived with this since 2013 is beyond me. Like you, STBXH popped up from dark silence after 3 months, still loved me but was a mess. Then after about 4 months, thought he loved me but obviously still ill and a bit of a zombie. Met OW about same time, suddenly within days of "I love you and I'm doing everything I can to get better, this is about me not you", I get a text saying 'divorce only option. do we nd to tlk?'...Popped up again about 6 months later talking about MC, silence for months, then up again about 6 weeks ago. Within 24 hours went from 'I'd really like to talk and see if we can salvage something from the mess I've made' to 'I just want the D done and to move on'. OW been around for a bit over a year, co-worker, stays with her at weekends it seems.
I think we all rattle around that loop of how could Man A (who adored me and was my best friend) be real if Man B (who seems at best indifferent to my existence) is also real. I don't think Man B is the 'real' him although I do think he has some of Man A's weak spots with go-faster stripes. I suspect eventually there will be a Man C who may be closer to the values and actions of Man A. I guess it makes sense that if being Man A got you to such a dark place, you wouldn't value that version of yourself much and would think a whole new Man B was just the ticket! And that holds true for everything that Man A cared about. Is your MLC H much like the man you knew? Difficult to know with a Vanisher though isn't it?
I've found the storied mind website super helpful in understanding male depression which is such a big part of MLC. For many, it's just easier to escape to a fantasy of external changes and believe that this will make everything ok. For some, time will show that it isn't true, then some will try to run to something else or a few will turn around and look back.
When I've felt overwhelmed by confusion - and you're right, few people understand - I suppose I choose to concentrate on simple logic. I didn't cause this or I would have found a magical way to fix it. It's unlikely in an intimate relationship (and my H and me were rarely apart for more than a couple of days for 18 years until he took his new job in London) that anyone can 'fake' who they are and what matters to them for so long. If it was just about an A, it wouldn't have gone on so long, involved such crazy WTF stuff or psychiatrists & medication...and he'd probably look snazzier! Above all, if me or our M was the problem, then leaving me should have fixed it well before now. None of this changes the pain or loss of people we love, but I've found it helps me not believe his reality as my own.
How are you doing in terms of your own life and what next? I think you can hold on to a small sliver of hope until it hurts too much. Honestly, none of us know what will happen in future. But I think we have to find the courage to assume they are gone. If they ever reappear, it won't be because of anything we have said or done.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Actually SJW, have realised that what he's mirroring is his own father's financial idiocy...his father almost went bankrupt when H was a teenager. They survived in retirement because his father had a very good French state industry pension. In fact when we got together, H was credit blacklisted and had to do a legal disassociation from his father to eventually co-own our first house.
Ironically, having been very distant from alcoholic father and bi-polar mother, he's been borrowing money from his father.Odd.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I think there is an element of wanting to get rid of the old life, and we're a reminder. I think there is also a drive to get rid of anyone who 'sees' them, as vulnerability is seen as dangerous. And it feels so dangerous for them to look inside themselves that they desperately search the external, and who better to blame than the person they chose to have by their side every day?
Yes, that makes sense. It is frustrating because, even if you ignore our M, I kind of what to say oh look, exhibit A: life before MLC...and exhibit B: life after. It amazes me that he can think this chaos is a better life. To be fair, the bit of him saying he'd created a horrible mess and didn't know how to unless it was probably seeing that, but it would need great courage to deal with the damage.
Thank you for the love, cadence. It's just a hard day and there have been months of hard days.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
"Mine is financially handicapping himself because it was so important to get away from me."
Mine is willing to give me all of his corporate pension as it stands and all of the equity left in the house...he literally will be left with nothing other than his salary, a huge amount of personal debt and a bed in OW's house. Not a great platform for a new life is it?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Picture a child in a man's body making these decisions, and then it makes a bit more sense.
Children want immediate gratification, and don't have the financial savvy or life experience to think about long term consequences.
I haven't read anything about this, but in a way, the way H treated me corresponded to how he was treated as a child: blamed, punished, and emotionally cut off for misbehavior.
My IC seems to think he's a narcissist, which I'm still trying to work through. On one hand, it would be a relief if it were true, on the other, I just can't reconcile it. I believe his MLC behavior is narcissistic. Maybe this version of him is. Maybe that's the most clarity I'll ever have.
My H was expected to be a 'perfect' son in a posh school blazer who would meet a list of often unspoken requirements, not allowed to challenge his parent's behaviour or choose for himself. His bipolar mother has tantrums and refuses to speak to people for years who disagree with her about Beethoven or the best salt, and tells my H that he is to blame for everything wrong in her life. His father talks about the weather or rugby, but has had years when he refused to talk to his son at all because he was angry with his choice not to go to university, to be with me and to work in banking. When drunk, his father will become spiteful and childish towards his son e.g. he left a rude note instead of coins in the collection envelope at our blessing in 2006.
Hmm, so unspoken expectations, silence, blame and tantrums...yup, that looks familiar wth Mr Mlc
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Oh and being sent away to school at 5 with no visits from his parents in term-time. At 8, they rented his bedroom out and he had to sleep on the sofa during vacations but was often sent to his aunt (who owns the place he's living now) or his grandmother (one of the people who died just before BD)
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Looking for encouragement...did anyone feel better after D was final? Particularly those of you with no kids who knew you would probably never see your H/W again? Need a few positives to balance out the feeling of shock and helplessness that this is what will happen in a couple of weeks now - probably just in time for my wedding anniversary
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
