She did have a valid reason. I recognize that now. I used to focus on my intent and her behavior but I can definitely see how she felt distant. Ironically, I have felt distanced from HER. There were moments where because I walk fast I literally opened the door, walked through it, ASSUMED she was right there and let the door shut RIGHT in front her. So that happened a day before she actually met up with OM for the first time. So I am not saying I am to blame for the A...that is on HER but I certainly contributed to her feeling a certain way.
My W. did initially say it was just sex BUT she also wanted to like that person and be on friendly terms. If it was just a meathead she probably would have much easier broken it off. She immediately said there is a lot of things about him that didn't make him BF material and with her desire to leave the State I do believe she was mostly interested in sex with him while having the ability to also talk about things.
She also no longer uses the justification that she did early were she claimed that we were already separated and so she didn't do anything wrong. It's all of that and what I wrote yesterday that makes me react this particular way.
1) What would be better? Lots of things. And in many ways a lot of little things improved (just scroll through my posts). It's just that the label of being in love, and her wearing her ring isn't there yet.
2) I am willing to tolerate the current situation of trying to figure things out and her giving it a real shot (which to me it's clear she has). I would be willing to tolerate a physical separation but I no longer feel she feels the need for that (due to her feelings of safety) unless of course she gets that job offered but than it would be a different story.
Her own boundary which she has NOT broken (I know because she doesn't drive and doesn't leave at random moments in the night anymore.) But her own boundary was she wouldn't hang out with OM (as friends even) unless we are in a good place and definitely not after we have had a rough night. It's this statement and her subsequent month long action on this that makes me sort of trust OM is being more of a friend than anything.
And like I said just as you don't see anything beyond what I type. I have no idea what she discusses with OM, with her friends (including her best friend who is also a counselor and who was aware of OM), and in the counseling. All I can work with is what I am presented with. My W was really afraid and feared for her safety. Whether I can be blamed for that doesn't matter. She sees it as coming from me. The more I removed my own behavior from making her feel this way the closer she has gotten. To the point where she now admits once again that I CAN calm her down when she is anxious or stressed.
A LOT of little moments now it's my W bringing up something that gives me information about what set her off in the past. She now recognizes it's not always my intent. So whatever she feels for me, she has chosen to no longer let her get angry or upset at me and in fact uses energy to explain it to me.
We aren't there yet. Not by a long shot. But I saw what happened last Friday as a MAJOR building block forward. She has expressed her guilt for what happened (her words) and she said it took her a bit to get over her shame of what happened. The MC has told her in IC that shame isn't the right way to operate from but guilt is a more healthier approach (I am paraphrasing). So in her words she hasn't recommitted to me but her actions tell me otherwise!
Should I be cautious? Yes. However, part of the issue is my nature of being overly excited. Even if we are happily married I would need to be aware of that.
