Thank you, Cadence. You're quite right of course when you said "I am urging you, Treasur, to make decisions from a place of strength. You have faced so much over the past two years, and you are incredibly strong. Your wounded inner child who is sensing danger is trying to direct your actions, and I think that's a mistake." and "I am certain that H loved you and valued your marriage as much as he was able. I'm certain you've read reconciliation stories, and those women were left, too. Were they not loved? Was it not real? "
I was sensing danger, but actually I was right to do so. I needed to push a bit to see if he was still v2, or had got some bits of original H in new v3. And I got my answer. I've been hurt enough and it was more important to me not to con myself because I yearned to feel I was talking to my H and he was coming out of the fog. But he isn't really and his priorities are just to get rid of me/our M and trip off happily without remorse. When I pushed him, he confirmed that his order of priority was finances, finalising divorce, conversation and the fact that he had given no thought to that conversation was a bit of a give away really. That may change in time but right now that is reality. I wish it weren't but it is. Which means a place of strength for me right now is to protect myself and deal with what is. I think I don't want to be in a room with him, so the best route is to ask my L to put together a draft list of what I want. He can either agree it quickly or we go to Court.
I know my original H loved me and I miss him, but he has left the building. I wish this hadn't happened to me - as you all do - but it has. Beneath my hurt and anger, I can feel love and compassion for my H. He has destroyed his life, lost all his old friends, ruined himself financially, thrown away someone he loved who loved him and behaved shamefully to all of us who valued him so much. What he has left is a lot of debt, dysfunctional parents, a middle management corporate job and a blonde who believes in the power of unicorns and tattooed lipliner to change your life...(I'm allowed to be a bit bitchy, right?)
All I can do is quietly mourn for my beloved while accepting that I need to get this painful phase of my life in the rear view mirror.
Hurts though to see that I am still an invisible nothing to him.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Have learned from his financial responses thought that: a he thinks our M ended in Sept 2015...must have imagined the H was ML to me after a big anniversary dinner then or that he didn't mention D until June 2016...but by July he was on OW's car insurance! He tells me, and to be fair I believe him, that he was not unfaithful in our marriage before and that his A (which of course he doesn't accept is an A - yup, not told wife you want a divorce, still legally married...of course it's not a real A and you're not an adulterous H and her a woman who sleeps with a married man). MLC reality and dates are different! b in a fit of pique in Jan 16 ( or so, he admits that dates are fuzzy), he was so angry and full of hatred towards me that he threw the Cartier watch which was my 50th birthday gift in the Thames. He now excepts that this was stupid..d'ya think? c On a meaner note, he had a payment to an ED specialist in May & Oct 2016...his note to his L was that he had been struggling with sexual side effects of his ADs and without his psychiatrist's knowledge had stopped and restarted the meds creating an ongoing sexual problem for most of 2016. I know it's mean but that makes me feel better...what a catch of a 38 year old man he is!
Ok, meanness over and done with
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Treasur - I'd been wondering what happened to my mind-reading turban - sorry that it's on the fritz. It hadn't been the same since one of the cats did something embarrassing in it.
I too have a vanisher and know well the frustration of having no clue at all as to what direction they have gone through the woods.
I know for my part that there has been a tendency to expect logic and some sort of "plan" from our former spouses and for them to act like responsible adults. It is a bit of a coincidence that both of our spouses have popped up around the same time.
There are some big differences in our mind-sets I think based on what I read in your recent posts. Sorry - I haven't been following along but the turban reference caught my eye. In your case you seem to still feel that he can be "fixed" based on the references you make to having a counselor (presuming IC type and not legal type) present during mediation. You also are hoping for some clarity and understanding in the possible upcoming meetings. And finally, you are indeed still "standing" and hoping for a return and to be able to "win him back". Or so it seems. I'm perfectly accepting of being wrong here. Again, I've not been following along.
In my case I have no expectation of a "return". Whether my STBX is happy or not, I have no idea. I do honestly hope that she has found the happiness that she was chasing after even if it doesn't involve me. If during the meeting that I will be having in a couple of weeks she does hint at wanting to return, it would be a tough sell. She would have to win "me" back. In the mean-time she's just someone I used to know.
Vanishers are both a blessing and a curse. They are easier to "drop the rope" with but the lack of information means that we have to navigate our way through the woods without any sign-posts.
I hate to swing the 2X4s or to dash hope but you are making plans for him and counseling without any knowledge. Having expectations crushed is much more painful than limbo at least to me. I would suggest keeping an open mind, "listen" to what he says, "watch" what he does when you meet and then go from there.
Good luck and sorry again about the faulty turban.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Out of the pity party now. Or pretty much. See, this DB detachment does work as I would have been sobbing a few months ago.
I know that other people with MLC spouses have seen the same incomprehensible hatred and rewriting of love and shared history. I'm sorry for all of you too, but it helps to know I'm not crazy and I didn't imagine almost 20 years. I have seen others survive divorces they didn't want and disappearing spouses who pop up and down. I know he is still spinning.
All I can do is remember who he was, love him from a distance and protect myself from more destruction. I don't expect to see him ever again. We have no children so there are no ongoing links between us. It seems likely that he will marry OW and live happily ever after as a half-human. And that makes me sad for both of us, but there is nothing I can do but GAL and accept that sometimes love and compassion are not enough.
I'll be a bit weepy tonight, but tomorrow is a fresh day by the sea.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Quite right, Andrew P - hoist on my own hopeful petard! And I was surprised that hope came back, darn it.
To be fair, the suggestions were his yesterday, not mine. Today he changed his mind when it came down to action. I was foolish to be convinced by his fake normal and to let a sliver of hope break my detachment.
I love him but right now I'm a bit too angry to wish him well with OW. I'd actually like him to wake up in a sweat in 6 months time full of so much remorse and sorrow that he feels sick...
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Yes, I think the ED issue would give me a lift (ha ha). Mine, who never had any problem at all or anything close to it, is apparently now taking some viagra-like performance aid supplement. Perhaps he's just looking for more frequent action, who knows.
I'm counting down the days. Got about 3 more weeks of having to see him. Unfortunately D will be back for the two weeks S is gone, so that won't likely give me any peace.
Then again there are the constant pressure sells to move to the sh$t town near him. Of course I need docs signed to buy where I'm going so he still has lots of opportunity to stick it to me, bribe and threaten me.
I must admit I'm a bit confused about where you are mentally. You seem to say you are done, but there is still a lot of talk about loving him or at least the old him. I don't feel that stuff any more. I think I did a few months ago. Maybe I'm rewriting or maybe it is detachment, who knows.
I'm going to hope for you that the thing you want comes to pass, whatever that is, in the moment that you want it to (life can be a little ironic giving us what we want after we no longer want it).
Hello, all. Good morning update. All well here. Decided yesterday to resolve the £ stuff via my L remotely and to refuse his requests to talk. (As those of you who are MLC-trained will guess, there were emails from him last night.) Took my wedding rings off last night and let go of the last strands of the rope. And I'm ok this morning.
I do love him, OwnIt, and I know that my STBXH is full of good qualities and is a good person. But right now he is a broken good person in a long spiral of self-destruction. So I suppose I love the core of him and who he was, like I still love my father even though he has died. But I've always believed love is a choice as well as a feeling.
I'm not perfect. Our M wasn't perfect. Do I regret any of it? No. It was a big love and a blessing. With hindsight, I think my only mistake was to marry someone who was more broken than I thought or less able to repair than I thought. In a way, it was a testament to the healthiness of our relationship that he didn't implode years ago.
Being as objective as I can, here is what I see. We had a tough year of illness and bereavement. I struggled through it; my H broke. Part of that was possibly because I wasn't as available to support him. Not my fault, just as it was. He had a breakdown and was diagnosed with severe depression. He saw a psychiatrist who he is still seeing 2 years later, and was put on industrial quantities of ADs which he is still on. He chose to deal with his internal demons by running away from his life and self-destructing. As he was coming out of being suicidal and reaching back to me, he met OW and obviously decided that a new face was a better choice than facing his 'demons' as he calls them. Since then he has procrastinated, lied and done the strangest things.
If I look at it as if it were someone else, before his breakdown, he was loved, respected, financially secure, a church elder, not on meds or seeing a psychiatrist and full of joy. Now? He camps in his aunt's flat during the week, works all hours and his only friends are work colleagues. He spends the weekends at OWs house in our old home town. He has no car, no house of his own, is almost bankrupt, is still seeing a psychiatrist weekly, on ADs for life, has sexual problems, uses cocaine, is 3 stone overweight and looks 10 years older. He is a whisker away from losing his job. He is an emotional half-life, incapable of empathy or honesty or peace. He does things which are not normal or healthy, but can't seem to stop. For instance, in a fit of anger at me earlier this year when we had been NC for a couple of months, probably shortly after filing for D, he threw my £3000 watch in the river but doesn't know why. He has grown a beard because he can't bear to look at his face in the shaving mirror. He self-harms by cutting. He lies to his psychiatrist about his drug use. He lies to his family about his life. He probably lies to OW too. He has basically erased 20 years of his own life, and 2 years into this, he has only progressed from being a shaking anxious mess to being a sort of cold pretend person. I have no idea what it feels like in his head, but unlikely to be good. All he wants, as far as I can see, is to 'move on', keep running and marry his weekend OW as soon as possible to make a new life/him. None of this is good or healthy or likely to produce a happy calm life. None of this is about me or even about our M.
The simple truth, although I accept that other people may not see it, is that my much-loved H is mentally broken and still broken after 2 years of weekly psychiatry and meds. He may have 'vanquished his demons' as he calls it enough to now do paperwork, but he is far from coming out of his self-destructive spiral and his behaviour is really random. I don't know what will happen to him. Maybe OW will be new scaffolding, although as he isn't living with her full-time and it's been a year, I'm not sure that will do the job either. I'm not an OW fan obviously but to be fair to her, an almost bankrupt, overweight, drug-using, broken man of 40 isn't a great catch! I'm happy that I got the best of him to date. Will he recover? I don't know and if he does, I won't be around to know.
And me? I'm collateral damage in this, but I'm rebuilding after the storm. Life has been hard. It will carry on being hard for a little while longer. But there are new things to do, new friends, other people to like and love in the world. I always knew my H was ill, that he just broke, because it was the only explanation that made sense of how extreme and self-destructive he was. I loved him and I kept faith with my H because I hoped he would get well enough that, even if our M couldn't be repaired, I could support him in rebuilding a healthy life. I don't regret doing that although the cost was high. But I have to give up, pray for him and let him go. I couldn't protect him from himself but I need to protect me.
I know that some of you in MLC land know what it is like to see someone you love take a flamethrower to themselves and their life. How hard you tried to limit the damage and hope they would get well. How hard it is to watch the craziness and the destruction, or to try to talk to someone when you just can't reach them with love, logic or kindness. How painful it is when other people don't understand and think it's just a 'normal' M problem. Tbh, if this was just about an alluring blonde, my life and his would have got better at least a year ago!
The sun is shining at the little house by the sea. Soon, I will tidy up the L stuff and be D'ed. I won't see my beloved again and I suspect his life might get worse before it gets better. But there are still songs to sing, blessings to count and lots of sane people to spend time with. And shoes and good coffee and purring cats and nice lingerie and books to read and things to be created and enjoyed. And I couldn't have seen this through my pain and grief a year ago, so I am awarding myself a progress badge!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Treasur I've been sitting here crying tonight, I don't know why. Because he wouldn't look me in the eye again today, because the kids aren't here and I can, because I'm letting go of a bunch of pain I've stored forever, who knows.
I am a weepy mess, feeling sorry for myself but this post, as sad as it is, gave me hope. I hope to be where you are in about 2 months after I've gotten signatures to get out of this house and into the next (although who knows if keeping the peace will even get me there). He is still working us all hard to manipulate the situation.
I'm amazed that you can find the love in all of that. I don't think I could. I think I let go of that a long time ago. I think my tears now are more about me than him. I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I'm afraid about the vast unknown that lies ahead.
I envy you that little house by the sea. I admire your courage. I am impressed that you can lean into the finality of the situation.
Oh, my love, dear OwnIt. Tears and grief are the flip side of love and hope. It hurts to see someone you love destroy the good things in their life. It hurts to see them hurt you and your children as collateral damage. It hurts to know that love isn't enough to make things magically better.
You're entitled to feel sorry for yourself. You have lost things which mattered to you. You have tried your best but it wasn't possible to save everything from the storm. Right now, your H is the storm and it's hard to love someone who is damaging you. But the love will come back in a different way, OwnIt, there will be a time when you can see it in your children or in your memories and feel grateful for it.
The love that matters most now is your love and compassion for yourself. Please keep remembering that you didn't cause this...if you could, you would have fixed it right? Do what you must to tackle the tough realities right now but please don't feel that they are a reflection of who you are or what your life will be. It isn't true. And your H? Do you honestly believe that he is well and happy and at peace, that his life now is better than before the storm? That he woke up one morning and thought 'I know, I'll throw my family away, and turn my life upside down and trash everything I've created in the last 25 years...great plan'. Human beings break, and get lost, and set up chains of events and consequences that destroy good things in their life. It is always about them, always about fear and running from the inside stuff.
It is sad that love can't fix everything, but that doesn't mean that love and grace don't matter. I know you're smart and strong. Cry for a bit. That's ok. Do what you must, but I promise there will be better days x
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
