As a fellow Catholic and DBer, It was a goal to be able to see h thru God's eyes.
Butterfly, I felt joy for brief glimmers of time I really saw my h in his best, divine light. Oh how I loved him... I turned my cheek when he crushed my heart and left us for 2 years...off/on and wounded our d's...
a decade later I wonder if seeing h thru God's eyes was the greatest thing I'd done of my life, and moving to Alaska was the greatest most selfless thing I had done only to have h change in front of my eyes, to a resentful man who bought things without anyone else participating
so I wonder if it was the most gullible/delusional thing I had done, b/c he slapped my other cheek and broke our youngest d's heart again just years later.
I don't regret loving him deeply, I did feel it. And I was damn loyal too. I did not get that back from h, and that's not the worst thing in the world.
But I projected my love and integrity onto h, (& mistook his hard work for character)
and conversely he projected his use of other people onto me, as if I was "using him for his money" as he had used me as the touchstone of our family, which he could leave for any "career goal" OR Hunting/fishing trip which HE deserved!
when in reality all we ever wanted from him, was his TIME, but all he'd give was small gifts of money from the WORK HE did.. Which, somehow, he resented. I cannot think of a single time, ever, that he thanked me for being a SAHM. I mean, not once.
HE was gone so much
He created the very alienation that he later came to resent with our children.
Butter,
my h made a series or selfish choices, and he lied about them, and this was over a lot of time AND it was not the first time. It's not really like blue eyes, is it?
I fear that The longer I love him -in anything other than a detached way-, the more I'll risk being hurt again. With our history, that would be violating my own boundaries.
But I hope i won't start hating him. The marriage was once a beautiful thing, then it became a terrible thing, now I'm creating a new life of truth & intention. Not blending into someone else's goals/dreams, only to lose mine. No thanks.
Life is short and God gave me life. I want to live it now, without a person who abused my trust and repaid me with lies and contempt.
No thanks. That's done. I look forward to feeling indifference.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
