24 Mths in..I gotta whole lot of living to do now

[Irish M]

I left off with the question of forgiveness.
We all struggle with this or chose to not go there. No need for it or still holding on to anger and will never give it... even if it will give us peace. Or just being indifferent to it all as we can't control it or help it, so we move on.

Indifference is absolutely the place to be in all this ... I have found its where peace lives.

I agree with you Cali. I am past anger and resentment. I am at a point where i just don't care. even that seems harse and cold but its reality. I don't dwell on what she did. The hurt she caused the girls is her own. Maybe this if forgiveness to some. Its peaceful for me. I struggle with what she is doing to the girls because they are teens, they deserve better. My teen D's are going through the struggles of life already, finding out who they are as individuals. Mom in crisis is just the cherry on top.

I am here for them and I will let them vent until they are blue in that face.

Forgiveness is a gift you give YOURSELF.

As per my statement above. I think that is my forgiveness. Has nothing to do with her. I have nothing to forgive myself for as I am not the cause of her crisis. forgiveness is probably a bad choice of word for this , It should be called enlightenment or acceptance.

I know why and what she did. Its not her fault. Its not mine. I accept it and will leave her to it. No anger left in me. No regret as there was nothing I could of done to avoid it. No need to watch or attempt to help. My path is me.

This is a tough concept. I have spent some time trying to understand why forgiveness *really* is for us. We know that it's for healing. We hear that all the time.

But I read somewhere that the real reason we forgive is because we, none of us, are so perfect that we would not need forgiveness ourselves. To forgive is to admit that deep down we would want to be forgiven if we did the unforgivable. And yes, it is to admit that we too could do the unforgiveable.

It's certainly not easy to do.

On that angle I agree. Not easy. My situation is a lot different as I don't interact at all with XW. If she was constantly in my face , abusing and doing what she did when she left. I would be angry and no forgiveness would be had. I would be in a constant struggle of trying to break free.

But I am out of that game. I have my thoughts and I have you guys. Showing me that this is a crisis. Its not mine. Leave her be. let her figure it out and I move on. Life is too short to dwell . I am at peace with my loss. I accept it.

Hi Irish , just on the forgiveness thing, is it necessary or even needed ? Imho no. We move on and we let go of our upset , we let go of the love we had for them and we get on with our lives , hopefully meet someone special and live our lives.

AMEN. move on and find our peace. Let the MCLr figure it out. Forgiveness is definitely not the right term to use for this personal peace.

Irish, may I stick my head in and comment on the subject of forgiveness?

Hi Sandi. anytime :-)

I have tried to forgive. But how can one forgive someone who does not ask to be forgiven or even shows and remorse or accepting of their behavior.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a choice. The other person asking for our forgiveness is not a prerequisite. It's not even necessary to tell them you forgive them. That's a personal decision for you.

If she had owned it. I could find myself to forgive.

It seems to make it a little more easy when they come to us broken-hearted and humbly ask for our forgiveness. Real strength is required for us to forgive those who are arrogant and stupid. Forgiveness is not based on their abilities......but our own. It is not based on their character, but our own. Forgiveness is not merited, for it is truly an act of grace. Therefore, they will never deserve forgiveness.

My current situation .. no forgiveness is needed as it will not be taken as forgiveness. It will be taken as brushing it under the rug. Forgetting about it.

It is not our responsibility as to how they take our forgiveness. Forgiveness is not condoning the offense. It is not forgetting the offense. And yes, forgiveness is for us, for without it.....we carry a cancer within ourselves and it eats away from the inside out until we no longer are recognizable. Unforgiveness is a thief that robs our peace and joy. Our forgiveness may not be desired, appreciated, or recognized by the other person......but it surely is needed for our own spirit to be free.


((Irish))

yes, yes and yes. Sandi i appreciate your words so much. The deep meaning of forgiveness is the same as my deep feeling i have now with my inner peace about me and xw. I know i don't have to forgive her and i probably wont. She is unaware of me wanting to if I ever did. her acceptance of it is her own. I agree so much with your words.

I accept her crisis. I am in an enlightened place (because of so many of you here). Hopefully my daughters when they get through the crisis years of teens and hormones they too will find that peace with what happened.. All I can do is continue to love them and treat them with the respect they deserve. Guide them to make good choices and be good to others.

We can call it forgiveness .. but i know it as acceptance and letting go. Nothing to do with forgiving her. Whats to forgive. Shes not well in a crisis. We move on and find our peace and also enlighten ourselves to a better place.