A familiar story with questions. II

[RR17]

1. You wife has indicated she wants out of the marriage, has sought legal advice, and now is suddenly nice or nicer (calm before the storm?). She hasn't seemingly acted on anything yet. She hasn't updated you on the legal advice she's gotten (which is very smart were she about to run you over with mack truck). You are wondering is she biding her time before you get served, or is she genuinely not sure what she wants.

True, except W said she wanted 90 day S to decide what she wants. I refused to move out and said if she wants out, a quick D was better. After consulting her Attny brother she said she went in for a consultation with another attny in his office. The understanding was that it would be cheaper and amicable.
(This was before reading DR and finding this board)
She is not a good actor and her 180 seems genuine. IDK

2. You aren't sure if she's having an affair (emotional or physical) with anyone at this point (wayward wife). She may just be a WAW.

True

3.You want some clarity about her plans/intentions, but don't want to start a relationship conversation, because that appears needy or pursuing

True

1. Consult a lawyer immediately. Really. Sandi is quite patient. And if she's telling you to do this, I suggest you do it. Be prepared.

2. Hire a private investigator to determine if she's having an affair. If she's not, then at least you know you can take a more "wait and see" posture and deal with a WAW rather than a Wayward. You can do all 180's and GAL to you heart's content. Become the magical, amazing, strong, centered, cool person that only a fool will leave. Put a time-limit on your DB efforts (3 mos, 6 mos, 12 mos). If you're wife wants back in, then get into counseling, save the marriage and ride off into the sunset. Oh yeah, don't forget to keep up the superman persona you've taken on for the rest of your life. ;-) Now, if your wife is ambivalent after testing her interest periodically, and your DB time limit is expired, and your STILL in Limbo, you can move to the After The Last Resort Technique, and then, perhaps, the Ultimatum. When you give your ultimatum, have a plan of action with your lawyer already set up.

NOW if the PI discovers she's having an affair - you need to have that R conversation.

1 If you want to save the marriage....I suggest you confront confront with evidence and provide an ultimatum. Me or him. If she chooses you, she must agree to complete transparency, end the relationship with OM and agree to marriage counseling with you. If she can't make a decision, right there, or decides against the marriage, then... cancel all joint credit cards, empty your savings account by half and open your own account, and call your lawyer and put into action what plan you agreed upon. If you divorce, know what you want.

2. If you don't want to save the marriage...cancel all joint credit cards, empty your savings account by half and open your own account, and call your lawyer and put into action what plan you agreed upon. If you divorce, know what you want.

All sage advice. As of now, I don't think she is having a PA. She may be involved in some degree of inappropriate pre EA or not. IDK. A PI at this point seems expensive and not necessary.
I have the experience of knowing what she was like from 3 years ago full blown EA. It is very different this time. She seems taken by the real risk of D. I realize this is my take and I could be wrong. I think she is using the D appointment as emotional currency. If that makes sense?

Right now without proof of any A, I want to try and save my marriage. I want to do it in the right way where she deals with whatever she needs to address and I don't have to go through this again.

Without sounding too self-serving, I believe her Happiness issues, are her own. I want her to address these things. I'm happy to help her. I'm sure I could become a better me, but I don't think I prevent her happiness.