One of the reasons H gave for wanting to live in Alaska was b/c
he was
1) disappointed that my career wasn't going far (I was a SAHM then, and he'd been been living up away from home for 2 years)
was b/c he "thought I'd be in the senate by now." Yes, the US Senate...which I guess I was supposed to campaign for, alone, with 3 kids still at home...and then live in DC??
Presumable this was b/c on our 2nd date - decades before, I said I wanted "to change the world, probably something political."
2) and
the 2 years away from our daughters was "sub optimal" but "they'd be fine with it when they realized how much money we had saved"...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
turns out the daughters were not "fine" about his being gone for 2 years. Turns out they don't care about our 401ks.
All 4 kids have not spoken to him since February.
Which is sub optimal.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
an "edit" button - even if short term, would be nice
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Going to talk with a lawyer Wednesday in regards to getting this divorce process started. But I am not sure if this is a step that I should be taking. Db'ing is about being patient. But I know there comes a point where the WW isn't going to respect you and as long as that fog is up, nothing you do matters. Guess I want to know is if I am dropping the rope to soon and just not being patient enough with this process? There are people on this board who have worked on their WS for years before reaching this point.
Also after I talk with the lawyer should I give my W a talk about still having the option to work on the MR or just say nothing? I just want to be sure that I did everything in my power to make things right.
Talk to the lawyer, understand your rights, but don't feel a need to file or talk to WW about it. You don't need to file to move forward, you just want to make sure you know the legalities so that you aren't surprised by anything, but my opinion is that you are to early in your sitch to file now. Better to stay M and keep moving forward on your self, the longer you wait, the less impact it will have on you..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Db'ing is about being patient. But I know there comes a point where the WW isn't going to respect you and as long as that fog is up, nothing you do matters.
Ultimately it is your choice to continue waiting or go ahead and file. I'm not sure if you see her coming out of the fog as a fix for the problem. It's not an automatic fix. Most times, the WW will be in a depression, and won't necessarily have any desire to work on the MR. Do you think that once she is out of the fog her respect for you will automatically return? FWIW, I think the longer she sees her H tolerate her affair as it is being flaunted in his face........the less chance he has in getting back the W who loves and respects him. Make sense?
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Guess I want to know is if I am dropping the rope to soon and just not being patient enough with this process?
You are the only one who can determine it. IMHO, it's not good to remain under the same roof if she ignores your boundaries and continues showing a variety of ways to disrespect you.
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There are people on this board who have worked on their WS for years before reaching this point.
Well, that is their choice. It doesn't mean it is the right choice or that it should be your choice, too. Every person has to do what is right for them.
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Also after I talk with the lawyer should I give my W a talk about still having the option to work on the MR or just say nothing? I just want to be sure that I did everything in my power to make things right.
I would say nothing. You know how the bully knocks the chip off your shoulder? You pick it up and lay on your shoulder again, thinking he wouldn't dare knock it off again......but he does. Don't do actions that are daring her. Telling her she still has the option to work on the MR, clearly looks as if you saw a lawyer just to pressure her into a favorable decision.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't think the respect will automatically return. But I feel that she would actually be receptive to what I'm doing. This fog just seems to block out everything. We keep being told that time is on our side. But the longer the A continues the more respect is lost. If O achieve anything in this process, it will be respect.
And I agree that we don't need to be under the same roof, if she continues to cross all my boundaries. Your right, no talk after seeing the lawyer. She needs to know that her time in this MR is seriously coming to an end based on her actions. Guess I am just curious on what to say to her after seeing the lawyer.
And now W and S13 want me to watch Songs of Music with them in the living room. W is being nice heating up food for me. Probably should just stay away back here in the room. But this is a family moment, so I'm going to watch. Hopefully this doesn't bite me in the a** somehow.
Quick question. What exactly did you say the day you told W you were filing for divorce? We know things ended up working out after that. But what exactly happened with the process after that?
Tread it seems your W has moments of showing nice moments but continues to openly engage in at least the A with OM.
I think a physical separation might help your sitch. It seems with the last thing you mentioned W likes to pretend there is a happy family. Obviously don't neglect your child but maybe it will help her get out of her fog if she 'loses' being under the same roof.
This isn't easy. Like I always say: follow your gut. But I wouldn't be able to remain calm and focused if my W was openly interacting with OM and making it seem to me that it wouldn't be a big deal (that is what I think you are saying is happing with her).
If you don't do a physical separation maybe not being physically available might also work. So she might see you late at night or early morning but she doesn't get to do things with you.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. There doesn't seem to be an easy or straightforward step for you to take.
