So Over It

[25yearsmlc]

Ellie! Hey, girl! OMG, when I see you post to others, I'm so like... yeah, this girl calls it. Like totally. So on it. Your perceptions are so accurate an on. You'd be so totally the chick I'd hang with if you were close by.

And yeah, he's my freaking mailman. I mean.. the odds?? Couldn't get far enough away from this person.

I like my h's only sibling but this^^ would make me nuts.


Ya know, guys... things are good with me too... but there is a part of me that struggles that I rarely acknowledge Its the one waiting for everything there to crash and burn. Donno if its part of a survival tactic I've developed or what... but honestly.... ugh...

I think you are still trying to make sense of a big event in your life. A huge injustice. And most of us have felt this or still are.

Your d spoke to him (indirectly) about this and it is probably as close as he'll get to admitting he screwed up. The shiny outer facade is pretty meaningless. If I remarried and the guy was a billionaire, I would not then think "i won!"

And if your h can hurt the people who loved him the most, and emerge unscathed, then he is not one to feel anything in depth. Or authentically.

And if he is haunted by what he did and simply won't ever tell you or tell anyone, then so be it. I mean, it's sort of either or. Maybe I'm only saying this to console myself (and I for sure am partly for that!) I have no secrets in my life.

I cannot make sense of this type of behavior in another way. Your h can have those haunted feelings every time there is a big event, good or bad. Graduations, weddings, funerals, and other life events, -

every time he has one big event only with his new life/new fan base, he knows it's not the "original" one. That it might have been with the "real" family, but for his choices...so he can have a life filled with second guessing.

And if you all share a family event with him, he will always be the one who left, who knows that he blew up the original family and - for what? Her greatness? Ugh...

or More money?? Oh wait, about that money, some of is what he withholds from you and the kids you share...

when the day comes that someone (you) actually calls him on it, it might be the first time it occurs to him that he's selfish and oblivious. Oh well.

But to be clear, there's a better than even chance he just won't go there at all - keeping his observations shallow. There is a good chance he cannot look deeply within and face the wreckage he created, and thus he must hide a part of himself even from himself.

I think the best second guessing is what he'll do when he knows you are happy and content.

Maybe it'll get easier when your d16 is out of the house --but that has a downside too, obviously

I keep on keeping on. Never want that mess back... but I just feel this sort of unresolved garbage. Not entirely sure what to do with it. I do me. I'm happy. But it's always on the back-burner, and no matter what I try to make of it or ignore it.. it persistently simmers. There... always... will it ever stop?

God I sure the simmers stop, and I'm not even at the one year BD mark.

As for your other remarks, which I identify with a lot, I will quote Caroline Myss and a dear friend and late great poster here - Jack3Beans (RIP) b/c I found them all helpful and comforting. I hope you will as well.


**I hope the LBS realizes that many of the 'why' questions they absolutely think they have to have an answer too...they really do not. Everyone dies with unanswered questions, but that doesn't prevent us from living. Why should these?

In many cases the WAS answers are NOT good enough for the LBS anyway, so they keep digging, and damage any repairs that have been made.

Stop asking.

Caroline Myss --
"Endless questioning is endless suffering."


Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. -