After the Storm...

[Treasur]

Thank you, Cadence. You're quite right of course when you said
"I am urging you, Treasur, to make decisions from a place of strength. You have faced so much over the past two years, and you are incredibly strong. Your wounded inner child who is sensing danger is trying to direct your actions, and I think that's a mistake."
and
"I am certain that H loved you and valued your marriage as much as he was able. I'm certain you've read reconciliation stories, and those women were left, too. Were they not loved? Was it not real? "

I was sensing danger, but actually I was right to do so. I needed to push a bit to see if he was still v2, or had got some bits of original H in new v3. And I got my answer. I've been hurt enough and it was more important to me not to con myself because I yearned to feel I was talking to my H and he was coming out of the fog. But he isn't really and his priorities are just to get rid of me/our M and trip off happily without remorse. When I pushed him, he confirmed that his order of priority was finances, finalising divorce, conversation and the fact that he had given no thought to that conversation was a bit of a give away really. That may change in time but right now that is reality. I wish it weren't but it is. Which means a place of strength for me right now is to protect myself and deal with what is. I think I don't want to be in a room with him, so the best route is to ask my L to put together a draft list of what I want. He can either agree it quickly or we go to Court.

I know my original H loved me and I miss him, but he has left the building. I wish this hadn't happened to me - as you all do - but it has. Beneath my hurt and anger, I can feel love and compassion for my H. He has destroyed his life, lost all his old friends, ruined himself financially, thrown away someone he loved who loved him and behaved shamefully to all of us who valued him so much. What he has left is a lot of debt, dysfunctional parents, a middle management corporate job and a blonde who believes in the power of unicorns and tattooed lipliner to change your life...(I'm allowed to be a bit bitchy, right?)

All I can do is quietly mourn for my beloved while accepting that I need to get this painful phase of my life in the rear view mirror.

Hurts though to see that I am still an invisible nothing to him.