After the Storm...

[Treasur]

Ok, well, update. Really a case of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. What should have been a short conversation to arrange a time & place to meet on Sat in order to talk about a process for next steps turned into a 2 hour wall.

My STBXH didn't want to meet on Sat but 'would because I'd said I wanted to'. Said he wanted to have an 'open' conversation after we agreed the financial stuff...but hadn't given any thought to how that would happen and seemed a bit surprised that I might feel that a M and almost 20 years warranted more than a 45 minute chat over a cup of coffee during the week that he would be waiting to get the decree absolute papers back from the Court.

So, although he said he wanted to talk, in reality his priorities (having procrastinated and avoided everything for a year or more) are actually to get a financial agreement and be a divorced man.And he had thought we'd have a quick chat and then never see each other again, just 'move on'.

I lost my temper a bit (understandable) but pointed out that what seemed to have shifted is his ability to do paperwork. What was the same as the last two years was his inability to see me or our long marriage as being real, with things of value that deserved to be treated with empathy and respect. I said that if he could not remember me as a person or feel any emotion about his behaviour, it was pointless to have the conversation and demeaning to me to try to drag humanity and empathy out of him, so better not to bother.

How I feel? Angry and hurt, and back to a bit of mind***ked. I genuinely have no idea how the warm, affectionate man who loved me so much became this obscene excuse for a human being. I don't know how anyone could feel ok, after 18 years, treating anyone as he has treated me. It hurts to be rejected again and hurts to know that to him I am just untidy business to be flushed down the toilet.

So, what have I learned? He popped his head up and sounded like he was a real human being again. He isn't. Still in Replay, still a cold monster with a missing empathy chip, doesn't love me, doesn't want me, doesn't think I'm worth anything at all, sees two decades as just being something to get over and done with...

I need to figure out a process that will be as low/no contact as possible and a really short timescale or back to the Court option we go. And I've learned that it hurts and I'm tired of hurting. And there is nothing left worth standing for. And that hurts too. So I need to deal with the practicalities in a way that protects me from hope, hurt and disappointment. I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. The reality of our M deserves to be treated with respect. I won't beg someone to do either.

So, divorce with loud flushing noises and no remorse or honest explanation of what the hell happened to the man who loved me.