Holding, I agree with Dusty and Doodler on GAL versus being all depressed at home. The answer is always GET OUT! Anything to take your mind off your sitch. I mean yes, you do want to grieve and get that through your system so don't fight the grief. But from my personal experience, sitting at home just made the grief so much worse. When I got out and did stuff I was still sad and depressed, but at least I was distracted. Each time I got out it got better, and eventually I started enjoying it. You will too.
Originally Posted By: holding
("I'm not screwing you over, Holding") since I wanted to double check the numbers for the finances. I told her that her behavior wasn't helping our situation, but in retrospect I realize I should have just walked out the room. We eventually resolved it and agreed on the finances.
My W did something similar, she came up with these numbers during the D that made no sense at all. I asked her to sit down and review it with me and she went ballistic, told me the lawyers could just fight it out in court. On the one hand I would tell you to just try and explain to her that you just don't understand and would like to discuss it, it has nothing to do with you not trusting her. But on the other hand having done exactly that myself, I know it doesn't always work. Being calm, rational and practicing good validation can defuse the situations most of the time. But other times it's like trying to put out a forest fire with a glass of water, LOL!
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Later in the night she came into my room (the MBR) and said we needed to work on our communication. I thought that was ironic. She says I've been horrible to her, and it's caused her to react badly to me (when what I've really been doing is just not talking to her or looking at her). She said we have to find a way to get along better if we're going to live in the same house until the D is final. She told me she has at least 2 panic attacks a week.
She tried to talk about other stuff (time splitting with the kids, selling the house), and I said I wasn't ready to talk about it. When she corners me in my room, it's honestly hard to end the conversation. I suppose I can just get up and go in another room. I need to work on that. Any suggestions on other ways I can end these conversations at home?
I was looking at my tablet and not giving her my full attention, so she eventually got up and walked out.
So if I understand correctly, she wanted to talk to you about communication and you ignored her and kept your attention on your tablet. Basically you are reinforcing her belief that you are the problem with communications, and that D really is the only answer because when she points out a specific problem to you, you still don't acknowledge it. Maybe you're done, but if you're not then next time, set the tablet down, look her in the eyes and listen to her! If you don't want to talk about selling the house at that time then just tell her "W, I am not prepared to talk about selling the house right now, can we discuss that on (give her a time and date)?" If the D is moving forward you need to have that convo no matter how painful.
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In the doorway she turned around and told me good night, and I didn't respond, still looking at my tablet. Telling me good night was weird, considering she hasn't said that to me in about 3 weeks.
I'm just curious why you didn't respond, were you angry? Dismissive? Or did you think it was the right thing to do from a DB'ing perspective? It's a serious question, sometimes people misinterpret some of the DB'ing guidelines.
