Treasur, I can't advise you on the legal aspect but I had to pipe up about this:

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I have no idea if he ever loved me, or why or if he ever actually honestly valued me or our M. Or if he would see me or our M as a blessing, a curse, a lie or a terrible mistake. No idea. Based on his actions, doesn't look like he saw much value in either me or our M, but it doesn't change how I feel about it/him even now.


Do you know how it's so easy to see when it's others situations but not our own? Well, from where I'm sitting, I'm appalled at your unkind inner dialogue.

Treasur, you are a genuine and kind person, and you are worthy of love. I am certain that H loved you and valued your marriage as much as he was able. I'm certain you've read reconciliation stories, and those women were left, too. Were they not loved? Was it not real? Why do you believe yourself to be a special case?

The new shiny candy in the form of OW looked so appealing, because she doesn't know him and can only admire him and reflect back how he wants to see himself. She is a mirror and she was chosen because of how he views himself in her eyes. And she is not a well person herself if she is attracted to the MLCer. All of this wonderfulness will have to come to an end, because it is built upon smoke and mirrors, and not upon a real foundation. You had that. You had the foundation and it was real.

I am urging you, Treasur, to make decisions from a place of strength. You have faced so much over the past two years, and you are incredibly strong. Your wounded inner child who is sensing danger is trying to direct your actions, and I think that's a mistake. Resilient adult you should be making decisions.

Your chosen shield seems to be assuming the worst and then adapting to that, under the belief you cannot incur more pain that way. While I fully understand how that seems like a great idea to you, I agree with the person who said you don't seem like you are ready to close the door. I think you WANT TO BE the person who closes the door, because you believe it allows you control to limit pain. But what if it also limits the possibility of happiness? Your H seems to be following a very familiar path, one that I've read time and time again. One of my strengths in life is identifying patterns, and I see one here.

I think your main drive is to protect yourself, but I think there are other ways to do that, like remembering who you are, how lovable you are, and how amazingly resilient you are.

I think you are afraid of opening yourself up to more hurt and rejection, and while I understand that (and feel like I want to hop a flight across the pond to protect you from any more pain), I would not understand why he'd want to talk to you to offer up more rejection. Based on what he's said, I think he has probably experienced some enlightenment about his actions and wants to share that with you. I also think he wants to know if you could ever forgive him, as he's having a hard time forgiving himself, but he will not be as open/forthcoming about this as you'd hope. I think he feels shame, and that's the reason he wanted phone calls, so he would not feel so seen and vulnerable.

There are two people with fears here, that's for certain.

Treasur, I know that there are parts of you that are screaming at you that things only turn around for other people, and that he's happy and you shouldn't be foolish. And I just don't think you should listen to those voices as I don't think they protect you. I think you should listen to the ones that tell you that you are absolutely worthy of being loved, and you are someone that someone else might regret leaving, and if others are seeing possibilities, you should take a chance.

If I were in your place, I would feel terrified. Please don't think I'm telling you that there's something wrong with you for your reaction. But I'd want others who have more detachment than I had to push me out of my comfort zone, because that's always a good thing. No matter what happens, you will be reminded that you are strong and resilient and you can handle absolutely anything.