The apology and conversation about it with IC has been so powerful. I am still not 100% in control of my impulses but I am so much more relaxed and that has allowed me to further just go with the flow rather than try to get another opportunity to do something fun with W. I was completely fine with not doing anything formal for our anniversary. Instead we spend some quiet time together, did some chores, and hung out with a friend who bought us brunch for our anniversary and W joked how he spent more money on us for the anniversary than either one of us did. We went to the mall and I decided to just enjoy spending time with W rather than what I always did: get overly excited for clothes that I want to get my Ws opinion on while she wants to shop for herself.
The importance of self forgiveness is also now clear to me. This morning I was doing my walk and saw a colleague who is aware of the marital problems that we have (because I talked to her) she was walking with a current colleague of W (not same office but connected office) and the friend is moving to another job and made a surprise visit back to campus. I told her I saw the new home on facebook and it looks lovely and then I blurted out that W has a phone interview. I should have kept that to myself and maybe just texted but I was just excited to share that things had improved. My friend actually then asked if things have improved and I said yes. She said awesome I told you if you would fight that things could improve.
I was worried that if this colleague talks to W that this will lead to anger on her part but I am not sure if the colleague heard what we said and really how mad can W be that I am excited for her having this opportunity. W has actually shared the interview with at least one other colleague in her office. It's just not smart on my part that someone who is connected to W might have heard this when this person has no idea that there are even problems. (It goes back to how I need to think before I speak...but all in all I think I am making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.)
So now I am sitting in my office trying to forgive myself so I can focus on being more productive.
