Act Now or Cry Later

[ciluzen]

Hi HaWho!
The pronouncements are an interesting thing. My XH has started doing that, too. His are more along the line of (as I've mentioned) "people like me!", "everyone has baggage!", "I'm no saint!".
I do believe those pronouncements have a lot to do with their inner thoughts and turmoil. Whatever it is that they are struggling with, I believe they still have enough of a connection and comfort level with us that they want us to acknowledge their "achievements". Mine still looks for my reaction...and calls more than needed.
In the case of your H, I think he is actually doing the inner work that we did early on...who am I apart from everyone else? What do I really like? What is important to me? As we know, that is a pretty good indicator of someone struggling to find their authentic self. He's trying to grow up.
I can only hope my XH someday gets to that point, for his sake. His pronouncements are more indicative of someone in a different phase. I believe he is trying to actually acknowledge the reality of how he is perceived by others, as I think for years he was overcompensating for his own low feelings about himself by being a "Mr Nice Guy". He's finally realizing that, yes...people do like him even when he's fearful, weak and complaining (his hospital stay and staff reaction), he's perfectly normal in having had baggage from childhood (not something he needs to be ashamed of and hide), and that yeah, he has not behaved well towards others and has made mistakes (he tried to make me or our daughters think we were crazy or sub-standard). Its more like a little boy saying, "I'm a big boy! Look at what I learned!" than "This is who I believe I am as a person, regardless of age or others' reactions to me."

My H is still looking for approval from others, but acknowledging that he is might be somewhat acceptable even with flaws.

Yours seems to be in the next phase: maybe not caring so much what others think of him anymore, but concentrating on figuring out who he actually is. I think you still sticking around even after he's said and done all of the things he has speaks more to that neglected child maybe than you even think. You've even whacked him with a few 2x4s and still taken care of him. Finding what appears to be another man's shoes may have set some wheels in motion within his noggin, too. Apparently, it bothered him.

Keep it up, HaWho. You are magnificent. Who knows what the future holds?