Blu, I'm listening, I'm trying to open a door and see what she does. I Loved her dearly once, I wouldn't want to give up the opportunity for it to happen again, but it would take a lot. She doesn't need to say what I wrote, my point was that I don't need her to put me on a pedestal as 25mlc wrote, just that I would need to see remorse and recognition of what she did.
tobias, I've reached out to see how she's doing, I've let her know I've forgiven her and am no longer angry, and I've apologized to her for my lackluster performance as a husband... but I'm not going to take on her responsibility to be remorseful. I will NOT take one step forward to a R without her being remorseful, I am not willing to move forward without that. And part of being remorseful, is removing that part of her life from her life. As for actions, there's only two things I told her I would need, she's done neither. And to add to that, she's become a crappy mom (from my sons lips).
As for divorce, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years... what's the difference, really? She disposed of me, I've taken a year getting over that, and I'm in a place where I'm ready to start over. Whether we start a R in the future together, or I start one with someone else, I don't see a reason to delay the D any more unless I see something that says reconciliation is moving forward (even if it is just her foot in the door).
If I met someone today that I was interested in, I wouldn't hesitate to see where that would go (I'm not looking but if it's staring me in the face), and I don't want to get into a situation where I'm divorcing one woman while I'm dating another. I want to get rid of as much baggage as possible to limit issues in the future.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
woke up to a text from my son today, asking me if I wanted the dogs.
I replied "Did something happen? Yes, I want the dogs if you don't want them anymore".
He replied that he was tired of getting yelled at when the pee and poop in the house.
I called him when I could, he said that he takes them out when he wakes up, before bed, and every time he comes home or leaves, but he's gone a lot (teen with a life). Said it's mostly in the evenings or night because they both (him and his mom) are out late most days (separately).
I trained one of those dogs, and she would not go to the bathroom in the house unless she just wasn't getting walked (she's trained so well, when raining you can just tell her to go potty and she will), but I didn't want the other dog and told my wife that she would need to train her if she got her, and of course she never did. Luckily its a Chihuahua, so it's not too big or messy, but she's always pee'd and pooped in the house no matter how often you let her out.
Just makes me mad that he's getting yelled at for something that she should also be doing.. and he must be getting yelled at a lot, because he loves those dogs so must be bad if he's willing to let me take them away.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
except maybe your son was having a bad day and or is reaching out to you for reasons beyond or other than the dogs??
But I'm not sure which is worse.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Can you let her know in a calm nonjudgmental way, that your son doesn't always feel up to the task?
And could you maybe take on the (trained) dog?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, I could reach out in a cold.. um I mean calm nonjudgemental way, but for now I'll let it be. He's almost 18, so it's not like a little kid that needs my protection, and me saying something now (no matter how nice/nonjudgemental way) would probably just escalate the tension. So I'll wait until it's closer to the earliest when I could take the dogs at the end of next month. I wouldn't split the dogs up, they love each other (the Chihuahua actually sleeps on top of the bigger dog), so I will either take both or leave them there if they can figure it out.
Anyway, I'm heading out in a couple of hours for a weekend of kayak fishing and camping in the mountains, so i'll see you all next week.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Quality GAL there, Coconut. That's the way to do it.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Back from my weekend camping and fishing, what a great time! I have always enjoyed fishing since I was a young kid, but for those who aren't into fishing but looking for a GAL activity, I highly recommend looking into fishing anyway. It's such a great way to get outdoors and explore new areas, and if you add a kayak it just makes it so much fun. I joined a kayak fishing club I met on a local fishing forum, so in addition to getting outdoors, I'm also meeting a lot of new people in the area.
This weekend we went up to the NC mountains and camped at New River State Park, and fished the new river. We did a 7 hour float on Friday, 8 hr float on Saturday, and I skipped the 3 hour float on Sunday. I caught my first Rainbow trout, and added him to the menu to go along with my steak that night, something to be said about the taste of a fish that goes from the River to the frying pan within a few hours
Anyway, enough about my weekend, so i'll just add that I haven't heard from WW about the name change, or anything else. Doesn't surprise me, but I've decided I'm just going to wait to follow up with her a few days before I head down there (in a month and half), then i'll go get the paperwork signed first and give it to her to get signed after I do.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Sounds amazing. I have never been fishing before. Maybe that will be my next big GAL :-) You sound solid and confident. I am glad to hear everything is going well.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I got a text a few minutes ago... Obviously my brother knows my s17 very well, so not sure why he sent this, but here's what he said:
B - s17 joined me and gf for dinner and is still chillin. You have good reason to be proud of this guy.
Me - thank you for saying that... Awesome!
B - He says you and him are much closer now which makes him really happy.
Me - yeah, we are and makes me happy too..
Again, I don't know what prompted my b to text that, but it doesn't matter. The fact that my s17 is growing up to be such a great man, that even those who know him well can still be caught up in his awesomeness, and add to that the fact that my teenage s would mention how close him and I are (those who have had teenagers know how unusual that is), just plain makes me happy.
If someone gave me the choice of getting a text from my W, with her saying all the things I've wanted her to say, or that text from my b, I'd take my brothers text every day.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Wife never responded to me about name change, so I text her 2 days before I headed down to FL in September, and she finally said "I guess I'll just keep it the same".
I scheduled to meet up with her while I was down there to go over the divorce paperwork and what she needs to do (I filled out everything, all she needed to do was sign at courthouse (for notorization by deputy clerk) and pay the filling fee's which are $410 (I gave her a check for $205). When we agreed to a time to meet up near a local bbq joint I wanted to go to, I asked if she was going to eat or if we should meet outside, She responded that depends on me, after consideration, I responded that she was probably right and I didn't really want to try and come up with small talk so we agreed to meet somewhere near there.
I picked up my son to hang out earlier in the day I was supposed to meet up with her, we went to the bank so he could add me to his account (I've been sending cash but wanted to be added to his acct so I can just transfer money), and it turned out that because it was a high school acct, the parent that opened the acct had to be there. So my son called W and asked her to come over. I hadn't seen her in 7 months.
I was kind of shocked by her appearance, she was very skinny and tone (she's all into working out now), but she looked 10 years older, had at least one new tattoo that I saw, and personality wise seemed like a whole different person. I realize it was an awkward situation, so that could have seriously altered her personality, but I felt that my W that I knew no longer existed.
Since we were both at the bank, we left my son inside to finish adding me to the acct and I gave her the D paperwork, showed her what needed to be done, gave her the contact info to the courthouse if she had questions; I thanked her for coming to the bank to add me to the acct. and then I went back inside to my son and she left.
I gave her the paperwork over a month ago and she still hasn't filed. I've decided that at this point I'm going to leave it be, I feel divorced, I've mentally divorced her. The only problem is that I'm starting to want to buy a place of my own, I haven't saved enough for a down payment yet so I have time, but I don't want the fact that I'm legally M prevent me from being able to buy some property up here. But i'll deal with that when it comes time.
I text my wife about 2 weeks ago that I'd like to talk, that I was concerned about S not feeling like he has a family life, we decided to talk the next day. I called her, said that making this call was uncomfortable because it was their R but that I wanted to do whatever I could for my S to have a happy home life. She asked me if he said something, and I told her no, that he doesn't seem comfortable talking to me about her but that things he says when he's telling me about his life seem to fit together that he doesn't feel like he has a family life. I mentioned that he had pulled out a credit card (which I knew was hers because I used to be on the acct.) and when I commented on it he said that had it so that he could pay for food when he goes out for dinner (I didn't tell her but he added that she is hardly ever home, never cooks, and he goes out with friends for dinner almost every night).
She immediately went into a 5 minute monologue about how she makes herself available but he seems more interested in hanging out with his friends, etc. etc. etc. After she went into her monologue, I knew that she had already made up her mind she did/does nothing wrong so I just said that if he has the opportunity to spend time as a family and chooses not to, then it's his choice. I know that my son feels no connection to her, I'm guessing it's because she basically abandoned him but haven't asked why he feels that way. He made a few comments this weekend that confirmed that he still feels no connection to her.
So anyway, I'm doing great. I'm living debt free, which allows me the freedom to do what I want, when I want. I frequently travel around the state to meet up with friends for new experiences, I get a lot of friends and family that come to NC to visit me, and I've been having a blast. The biggest issue is that I spend very little time in the town that I live in (it's a bigger city than what I like, so I spend most of my time in smaller towns or the mountains), so I haven't met any "friends" that live near me, other than my HS bff that lives about 30 minutes away. so the weekends that I spend at home can get a bit lonely, but with winter coming up, my thought is that I will stay home more and find some local activities to get involved with.
At this moment, I have no idea what my life will look like once I settle down and build a "home", but I am having a good time before I get to that point.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
nonjudgemental way, but for now I'll let it be. He's almost 18, so it's not like a little kid that needs my protection, and me saying something now (no matter how nice/nonjudgemental way) would probably just escalate the tension. So I'll wait until it's closer to the earliest when I could take the dogs at the end of next month. I wouldn't split the dogs up, they love each other (the Chihuahua actually sleeps on top of the bigger dog), so I will either take both or leave them there if they can figure it out.