A familiar story with questions..

[Treasur]

Boundaries are what you place around your self/life to treat yourself with respect and care. You can't control others, but you can decide what to do if they can't or won't honour your boundary. Which means if you set a boundary, you might not need to shout out loud about it, but you need to know what the consequences are if someone crosses it and the effect on you too. Often we find it difficult because we worry that someone else won't accept the boundary and the consequences will push them away, increase conflict or be less than ideal for us. So, if I say I won't talk to my H unless he can treat me with respect, he makes his choice but I have to be ok with that meaning that I might not be able to talk to him.

There are boundaries, standards you set for yourself and rules you try to enforce on others...commonly we all get the three confused! A boundary is like a wall with a gate around you. If people want to come on to your 'property', they need to use the gate. If not, they need to stay on the other side of the wall with the consequences of that or you might need to bolt the gate and walk away.

So, what does "you don't get to pretend like this never happened" mean. Obviously someone else can do that. What is your boundary with regard to divorce and the communication process about it?

For example, I decided last year that I did not see divorce as a first option without even talking so I would not file for D. My H did and he filed which means the consequences which are really hurting him now are owned by him. I decided that I would not contest it and I would do what was legally required to protect my interests, but I would not push it. I also decided that I would behave with dignity, honesty and respect, but I couldn't force him to do so. When he didn't, I would either use my L to challenge him or I would not participate in discussions with him directly. Equally I would not try to influence him to change his mind or ignore his right to make that choice.