After the Storm...

[Treasur]

Journalling

Prodded by OwnIt and Cadence to think about my own boundaries and contribution to weakening our M (without excusing my STBXH's actions or mindreading, so no idea if he'd agree):

- lost my physical/attractiveness confidence and didn't have enough sex and playing
- played my half of a 'poor old H' game and focused too much on his needs and was not honest about my own
- did not have clear boundaries that I knew or could express between me/him/we so him/we got much more attention
- mind reading when it would have been better to ask, drink a STFU smoothie, listen/validate without jumping in to interpret or fix when I didn't actually understand the core issue and often he didn't either
- fixing and 'poor old H' game meant that I took emotional responsibility for his monkeys and the consequences of him avoiding them
- did not focus enough time and energy on me, my work and my life as the 'high-value woman' that I had been in the first half of our M

Hmmm, plenty to work on there!

What do I see as the strengths of our M?
- genuine delight in each other as people and in our individual achievements, a deep friendship
- good team based on respecting and using our differences
- really enjoyed talking to each other and spending time together, the other's opinion really mattered and we liked to share info and were always very transparent about money, friendships, activities etc
- when we had sex, it was emotional, intimate and fantastic and I felt adored and he seemed to feel powerful and more like a man
- we found each other physically attractive and liked to be close to each other
- my H thought I was a treasure to be cherished and was proud to be my H and vice versa
- a deep sense of safety, trust and commitment
- we liked to do things that just pleased the other person, we were generous with each other rather than judging or trading off
- it felt as if there was a deep unspoken spiritual connection between us, something without words but very tangible
- we laughed a lot, played and teased each other in a nice way

Gosh, no wonder BD was a smack in the face! Although to be fair, a series of life challenges had created space between us for about a year pre BD, I think - illness, job stuff, bereavements.

Musing more about talking...if it happens and it is a dialogue...I don't see any point in talking about our M when it is dead and we're not trying to reconcile. Pointless because there is nothing useful to do with the shared learning. Our individual reflections, yes, but the uniqueness of our M was made up of the patterns between the two of us.

Talking about BD/WTF crisis and how we both handled it...I suppose that's about understanding enough to heal and saying goodbye. It's a funeral not a care plan.