Thanks for responding. Your advice is always a relief to me.
I remember reading your numbered recounting of your conversation with your ex, and the few about his OWs being versions of his mom were so right on the money. I still don't know if H had someone in the wings, but I new he didn't intend on spending much time alone. I've always been fascinated at the women he dates, as they all are self-absorbed and... not very attractive. (I've met a few of them and it's always horrifying.)
Thanks for the reassurance about H. Though his actions fit a N, some things still don't fit. There is a type of N called the 'vulnerable' or 'covert' N, (versus the more grandiose version, which seems to fit your H.) Or it could be that being surrounded by Ns and never processing his grief leads him to take on familiar actions.
I believe that he wanted to hurt me. I talked about how much I loved that house, how my pets loved that house, how excited I was to garden this summer. He knew I needed to focus on school and couldn't have upheaval in my life. And he very clearly wanted to take it all away from me.
I do think there was a breakdown. I can't really describe it, but it was as if his limbs were moving through jello rather than air. He'd sleep on the tippy edge of the mattress, like he was a vampire sleeping in an invisible coffin, lest we accidentally touch. (But came to bed every night, even the night he told me that we were over and we were selling the house.) One time I leaned down to pick something up from a table near him, and he visibly flinched. He acted as if he needed to get away from me in the house, but I was never chasing him (I recognize he needs space when he's mad.)
It was so bizarre that I stick on MLC.
You are probably right about the legal actions as a method to try to engage me. There are several points throughout this process where I've felt baited, like he wanted to trigger me to chase him or yell at him or something. We've done this once before, and after things are over, I don't stay in touch. It actually helped him look at his crazy ex through fresh eyes, because she will seize any opportunity to contact him. So if he can't see me as me, and just the females he fears, then that makes sense.
I also think about how terrified he was to approach any sort of court situation with his ex, and how much he wanted to keep it out of court because "women always win." So here he is, trying to take me to court, and I'm much more clever than his ex on her best day? What? How?
I may consider a conversation, but I think the time for it would be after he and his L read what I file. My L did tell me that I shouldn't contact him, but if I hear from him, it's okay to talk to him. He said don't give anything away or make any agreements and just listen to him.
Though I'm not sure what I'd learn. I've heard his side over and over again. I was a mistake. The house was a mistake. He wants his down payment "back" and should not have to incur any financial loss because he did all of this for me and it was never enough.
