I think the confusion of the limbo combined with the pain of the MLC rollercoaster can literally kill you. It is just brutal. I think you do detach in layers. Initially as a survival strategy, and then you move towards letting go of hoping for a given outcome that seems impossible, and then you move to dropping the rope because you're not sure you even want them back.
My detachment has undoubtedly saved my sanity. It has also predictably, either by coincidence or subconsciously, brought me STBXH out of months of silence. In my sitch, I don't think he feels remorse or wants to reconcile, OW is still in the picture and I think he believes she is his 'true love' and we were - I don't know - another him, 20 years of fake practice? No idea.
I actually don't know how I would react if he did want to reconcile, but as I see no sign of it, I'm not spending any time thinking about that. I think the best I can get from here is to mourn my dead M and the man I thought truly loved me, and get a decent settlement to keep me afloat while I build a new life as if he never existed really. Which is sad because we had years of love and joy and friendship and I miss him. But I don't think he is the same person now.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
