So, spoke to StBXH on phone for 2 hours. He really doesn't want to go to Court which doesn't surprise me, and wants to see if we can go to mediation to reach a financial agreement. It was a pretty calm conversation and both of us were relatively honest that we are struggling to trust each other.
What surprised me? He sounded more lifelike and rational, and I told him I could hear his voice sounded different. He said that 'it had taken him a long time to vanquish his demons, longer than he or anyone else had thought it would' but there had been a big shift recently. That he had assumed I would know that from his behaviour changing recently. He wants to 'get things done' so we can both 'move on from the mess he has created'. (I know this means financial stuff and assume he means finalising the divorce too.) Biggest surprise is that he wants to have a 'searingly honest conversation or series of conversations, because there are things I know I need to explain and talk about' (gulp) about how we got here but feels that he'll be constrained from being open if we're fighting legally about money. Biggest surprise for him? He said I sounded different, as if I want to 'move on' too. And that I said I needed to think about whether I still wanted to have the open conversation because I had come to terms some while ago that it would never happen.
We agreed that going to Court was a bad option for both of us. We agreed that we both want to resolve the financial stuff and might agree on having an open conversation about what has happened. What I want that he's nervous about is for us to meet first f2f so I can get a sense of who I'm dealing with, that it's a trust feeling thing for me not about getting into a big conversation. He's nervous that the only things we have to talk about are all big and I'll use what he says against him. Tbh, he's probably just nervous to see me in person for the first time in 10 months. I feel the same. It's a very weird situation and not one that either of us would have imagined before this crisis. So, we're both taking 24 hours to think about the sequence of steps and what we both will/can do and then will talk again tomorrow.
Feelings? It is an odd feeling to not trust someone who you trusted so much for almost 2 decades, but it is reality. As I said to him, when this crisis started I was balancing the person I'd known for 19 years vs the opposite version I was seeing in the first 9 months or so. Now I'm balancing how he has been for the last 21 months with v3 which has been around for about 6 weeks. He is obviously different. Sounds like a more logical adult version of who he was. Talks about responsibility but pretty unemotional, no sign of remorse really so I'm assuming that in his head the steps are financial mediation, followed by closure-type convos, followed by finalising D and riding off relieved into the sunset with OW. For me? I feel quietly heartbroken in a corner of my heart that our love/M either wasn't important or was a price he is happy to pay for his breakthrough. That I'm surprised he wants to do big open conversations but I think it is about him feeling he has tried to explain/make amends to feel better about what he's done. I feel that I need to move on, although I see it differently I guess, and I need the financial agreement secured too. I'm surprised that he is surprised that I have let go of the rope and am reticent about re-opening a conversation. He may think we will be 'friends' of some sort post-D. I'm very clear that I won't see or speak to him again post-D.
Do I need to know why he threw our M and me under the hammer to move forward? I don't know.
Do I wish that I saw signs of remorse or love from him? Yes, I do. It feels so unfair to be thrown away as a cost of his mental wellbeing and so hard to accept that this new 'improved' version thinks nothing of me at all and has no wish to explore any option other than D. At the same time, why would I want a man who doesn't value or love me? I had one and he was lovely and I miss him, but this is a stranger to me and not a very nice stranger.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
