Working on indifference

[25yearsmlc]

I mean that he will regret his decision and be able to see I'm not this horrible monster he has convinced himself I am.

what if he said "T3 is a purple violent lesbian" and told EVERYONE that? How much energy would you give to fight that insane lie?

I assume not a lot...(??) So, Are you secretly afraid there is a kernel of truth to what he says?
What would it mean if you really do have a flaw & made mistakes, when you really could have made a better choice?

What then? T3, If you have any energy left over from taking care of your 3 boys and studying and attending school and working your butt off, I hope you work on forgiving yourself. You're allowed imperfection.


If I'm being brutally honest also that he can feel the pain he felt last time, which obviously wasn't enough, but even if it's just a fraction of what I feel on a daily basis.



We all struggle with the injustice of it and think that their suffering would even things out a bit. Feels like retribution, and maybe even restitution, even though it's Not paying us back so much as the universe punishing them for inflicting pain on us. I get that.

But here's the deal. Either he will be haunted by inflicting pain on your boys & you, or he won't.

And if he is not capable of feeling crappy for this, if he can leave his family again and emerge unscathed, then what does that really about HIM?

T3 It's not a reflection on you if he has no remorse and you really need to hear me there, okay?

IMO, the ratio of HIS pain is not the big factor you think it was. I think your h is very concerned with his image management, both externally and internally.

He wants to be seen as a good guy by others (hence the invites to your family, among other things) and he wants to internally feel like he's a good guy.

You believed he wanted the child and new home, b/c he acted like it.

My guess is that he wanted to want those things, or to appear like he did...

And again, His misery is NOT the index for your joy or happiness or your pain. If he gets in a car accident and breaks his leg, your leg won't feel better.

Only you can create the life you want, with more love and more peace. I hope you'll create this^^.

IF you are happy, he won't be more miserable,

but he may second guess himself about who you really are, sooner. Sure, you need to want happiness in your life for You and your boys.

But if how he sees you ^^matters to you, then I hope you'll create the life you want and deserve, and which your boys need too. Whatever it takes for you to move forward and live the life you want, whatever motivation it takes, fine by me. I just cannot wait for you to get there as I know you will.

You can do this^^.



I'm also uneasy about the future. I feel like what men out there want to walk into 3 young boys.

yes, the future is coming and you don't know what it holds. It's a very uneasy feeling.


T3, as for dating again, there is benefit to healing on your own. To begin the detachment you will need, in order to become the woman YOU want to become.

I'm worry that you are adopting a "no man will want me!!" belief. That's your h's voice in your head.

Do you think that being single means your h's views of you, will be confirmed?

Let that ^^ question sink in, please.

And I'll say again - men over 35 who want to date, KNOW it's likely they'll date women w/kids. You're bringing so much more to the table than you realize...

I don't know how to get you to see ^^ that.


I know I will be VERY picky and selective because I don't want to go down this path again.
I just keep telling myself all will work out in time. I'm anxious to go home and get this ball rolling.


Not wanting to repeat the most painful experience of our lives is pretty basic - but many repeat the pattern anyway. They don't learn about their parts in the selection of partner or the choices we made about not seeing some things and focussing on things that were not very important.
Don't let yourself spiral and get mired in self doubt.

All will work out in time. I have had to tell myself this several times a week.


"All will work out in time." It's axiomatic if you think about it. You won't be impoverished, and You won't be homeless, you won't starve, and you & your boys have access to health care.
There is an underlying theme of fear in many of your posts. I get it more than you know.

I ask that you consider what your FEAR really is, deep down.

Is your biggest fear down inside, That you will be alone & rejected b/c - hey it turns out that what your h says about you, is actually ALL true?

T3,
Those^^^ fears are based on data that is not real.

As for romantic love and a new man down the road...

Maybe you don't have to fear r's with new men b/c you have invested something with your h that you won't invest again with another man, i.e. you gave birth and are raising 3 boys, you are getting thru school, and beginning a new career, and you helped someone else begin his career, and you already invested the past decade.

So none of^^^THIS^^^ will be risked again.

When I came back to DB land some months ago, I was devastated by the "the wasted years" of m to h....
yet When I pondered it more- I ended up NOT fearing new men in my life as much.

Because I don't see how I could be hurt this deeply again. So my risk of a seriously broken heart in a new R, seems relatively low. Do you get ^^^that??

Not b/c I won't care or love deeply, but b/c I already have children and have mostly raised them. My career losses have already happened. I have already finished the main race and spent my "main years" on H. I lost some and I won some. That battle is over. I don't see the big fat risk, other than time. (Hate jinxing myself saying that...)

Yes you certainly should be picky and maybe work on your "selecting gear"...so you recognize the red flags sooner and BOLT faster...

But T3, if you spend 20 years with someone that are mostly good years, and then it ends and you part ways,

will it ALL have been for nought?

God, I hope not.

H text wanting to know when we would be home. I said tomorrow. He replied people from work are going for a bike ride I'm going with them so I won't be around tomorrow. I didn't reply.

(Shrug)

Maybe you can Breathe a sigh of relief.

My dad said he invited him to go out tonight with H and friends. My dad declined. My dad said H came and asked him 3 more times to go telling him he would have a good time. He still declined.

(Shrug) possible translation - "HEY, WTH? I'm T3's soon to be ex h. How come everyone's not all the same toward me? It's JUST T3 and me "going our separate ways! We're still 'friends/co-parents" and I'm still a great guy. And...ya know, she's okayyy....but never mind that. Back to ME... I don't want anything to change! -- except for anyone having expectations of me...!"

H also sent my grandma a text asking if she would watch the baby this evening so I could get some sleep for my drive home tomorrow. Neither of us responded.

hmm. Just curious, what is that request related to? Is her non-response to demonstrate that he's being shunned, or b/c she did not know what to say, or

to avoid giving him credit for his very generous?? offer to 'help' you?" Like he's so thoughtful or what? I'm just not clear.


Taking the boys to an indoor jumping place. Hope they serve hard liquor lol

I bet you do.

Head phones are nice for these types of places. I recall Chucky Cheeses being so loud and so wild that it was stressful,

except then they had pitchers of beer and they cooked, so there was that...