Major breakthrough yesterday. It was our wedding anniversary yesterday but we went for drinks with some friends. W seemed to have a good time but on the ride home seemed anxious and upset. I was like I am not getting your bad mood affect mine so I tried making a joke. It didn't help so I stayed quiet.
We got home. W wanted to lay down and take a nap and I asked if she needed anything. She said no. So I said okay I will see you later and she replied anxiously okay. I said unless you want me to stay? She said yes. She was shaking. I got in the bed with her and she started apologizing for having sex with someone else. That she had felt so guilty about it but was ashamed. And that she had felt so lonely. I told her I appreciated her saying it and thanked her for that and how that is what I needed to hear. That for me it's in the past.
So now I feel we have closure on that part and we CAN focus on future. W. said she is so glad I can help her and calm her down when she is anxious. She said she had been drinking and that made her more anxious. I was a little worried the alcohol might have influenced what she said but after IC today I don't think that.
She asked me if I still love her. I said of course. I didn't ask her to say it back. I resisted the urge to propose to her to recommit but that would have been a mistake and way too soon. Instead I said what I used to tell her for years and early on during the marriage: one day I will marry you. She laughed and then was sad.
So during her IC W discussed this (W told me that) and how they had been working towards this for the past few weeks.
We are not fixed by any means but I feel we have made a HUGE step forward. And I am glad my gut feeling to stick with my approach has proved to be appropriate.
Now I can slow down again and take it day by day rather than try to maximize our time every day. She still has several things to work on but for me this apology and her consistent appreciating what I do has removed any resentment I feel for her.
I realize this is really fast and I am not expecting that we are done. But this feels really really good. It actually empowers me to do more GAL as I have been in rescuer mode for a decade. IC told me that she can kind of see how I was asked to take on this role. Now I can go back to what is a more natural personality for me: the encourager, the motivator, the cheerleader. I cannot do it for her. She is slowly recognizing that as well.
Hopefully my next update isn't a huge set back but I know this is still a marathon.
