Hi Everyone, I just realised it’s been a while since I last updated my thread, so here I am.
Life has not been that eventful, which I suppose is good in a way. Guy friend decided to jump the friend boundary and tell me he wanted us to be more, long story short he did not accept my gentle let down and pushed it, we fell out, he became a child and pouted but eventually got over it. He made me feel uncomfortable, challenging what I was saying to him, it had hints of how H used to speak to me, making me feel guilty or sorry for him so he would get his own way. It unsettled me, but I was really pleased with myself for standing my ground and saying no, this is not what I want and you will not treat me this way. So if nothing else positive comes of h leaving me, I have learnt that I deserve to be treated with total respect, my opinion is valid and I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than allow another tool in it!
Health wise – my thyroid blood test showed my meds were not working so my Dr has doubled the dose, I have been on the new dose for a couple of weeks now, can’t say I notice a difference but will know end of August. HRT WOW!!!! I am still getting the hot flushes but as for the crazy emotional crashes (seriously, I would cry at everything, even the evening news) they are pretty much gone, I have the odd blubbing moment but I put that down to still processing my loss of life, love and the universe as I knew it. Sleep is better, I am able to get up in the mornings without propping my eyes open with sticks and doing the slide n peel off the bed, I feel a normal functioning person. The biggest difference is my outlook on life and what has happened, I see so much more clearly now ….almost like a fog has lifted lol … whilst the sadness and loss of h is still felt I now have more focus on the future and have decided that I would like to buy my own home in the future, my Boho Beach Bach. I have created a savings plan to get a deposit together, if I stay on track then I should have enough by this time next year. It’s going to be tough and I am going to have to live on the bare minimum to achieve my goal, but the more I see my savings rise, the more I can see my fantasy becoming a reality. The good news is that not only have saved up more than what I lost when h came back for his “moment” I am already 33% of the way to my target.
I am conscious that I still enjoy life a bit, so have been doing lots of walking and have started doing my crafts again. My latest craze is Macrame, I have collected some drift wood from the beach to make a macrame headboard for my bed. I am also looking forward to getting out in my tent once summer arrives.
Work is going ok, I have been doing lots of extra hours and shifts; the extra pay goes straight in to my savings. Guy friend has been ok to work with despite all that has happened between us and I will be getting more help front of house in the spring which will good.
Both s are good, s20 did not make it past his 90 day trial, apparently the boss does this and does not keep trainees past the trial time so he does not have to pay them more. It’s a pain for me financially but I am hopeful he will get another job soon. He went to see his dad for 4 days and came back wanting to move …. It’s the same every time he visits him …his dad treated him to a activity filled weekend and bought him some new clothes. Shame he has not stepped up to help s20 out while he is unemployed ….oh wait, that is my job …hmmm.
As for H, well it’s been 9 months and nothing from him. I occasionally wonder how we have got here; from friends to lovers to life partners to non-existent, as it seems that I now no longer exist. Do I still have the fantasy of him waking up one day to realise who he walked away from and fight for me – Yep – but I am realistic and my expectation of that ever happening is a big zero. I can’t see how it is even possible now, he has made it clear that I have no place in his life, not even an acknowledgement as the mother of his children, so sad.
So that’s really about all from me, I am moving along, focused on saving for my beach house, keeping myself to myself and starting to find inner peace.
I am still reading along and post when I feel I have something useful to contribute. I hope everyone is doing ok, love and hugs to you all xoxo
