This is my first post after lurking on this forum for a while. Sorry for the long story about to follow - but it's been a long time in the making.
H and I have known each other since we were 4. We had what everybody, including me, believed was a fantastic marriage. Lots of positive affirmation, lots of laughter, respect and exciting lives. H then decided to change careers, from an aviation engineer to a pilot. He got his licence in record time, then used his contacts to move into a first officer job working on private jets. That didn't come without a lot of late nights, hard work, financial outlay (funded by me) and stress. Lots of adrenaline. Lots and lots of stress.
I think the combination of cortisol and sleep deprivation took its toll, and H became depressed. He became uncommunicative (he was never good at this anyway) and moody. He still told me he loved me, missed me and wanted me. I knew there was something wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. I just put it down to the stress of working towards H's monumental achievements.
I was not always patient with being put on the back burner for long periods of time though. I would try to broach conversations about not always pushing the kids and me to the back - finding a way to help us feel valued in a life that revolved entirely around H and his ambitions. These conversations were not always low key and pleasant. I admit, when I get frustrated, disappointed, jerked around and blown off I get sharp and sarcastic. I must've done it once too often.
After a 6 week period where H was away on business and I went home to visit friends and family I got back to H. He picked S and I up from the airport at midnight, took us home and pretended to be asleep when I got to bed. I got a bit upset, and asked him what was going on. He told me: "I don't love you and I haven't loved you for years. I don't like you. I don't want to be married to you any more. I want a divorce."
I was completely blindsided. I went into a spin, then after establishing there was nobody else, tried desperately to get him talking about how we could save our marriage. He then went on to say he didn't want to work on the marriage as I am a control freak. I asked for examples of what he meant by that. He couldn't (and still can't) give any examples. All he said was "it's everything. You always control everything, all the time". Teenage-speak if ever I've heard it!
I worked out I wouldn't be able to survive on my own in the country we were living so we agreed that I should take S and go back to live in our home town. H comes back every 3 months for around 10 days. He bought a motorbike (he already has a couple) and rode around the UK and France in his time off. He blew off S's 18th birthday so that he could work some overtime then go play in Thailand.
Of course I suspected another woman. He said, and still says, there wasn't one before we separated. There is now - a Thai woman 20 years his junior who he says only came onto the scene around 6 months after our split. That's OK though. I have a man friend that I have known since school. H knows about this guy, but I don't think he cares.
He has been saying all along how he loves being free. He also says he misses the kids and everything about family life, except me. He maintains his relationship with the boys but it seems to involve the occasional phone call, the application of cash whenever they want and he's taken them on a trip to Thailand (they met the new GF then). Now he's planning another.
After 2 years I don't feel I am any closer to the real reason for our breakup. I know he's going through a shocker of a MLC. I get the feeling he is very angry with me. We are polite but distant. We still haven't done our property settlement. He won't communicate.
I usually communicate with H via email, and I have spoken with him a couple of times in the past year. I had a meeting with him recently about our property settlement but got really angry with him when he said we should hold onto our house because now is not a good time to sell. I lost it - he won't communicate for months at a time but he wants to remain financially hitched to me? I told him he was mad if he thought I'd agree - he has killed off all of the trust I have in him and his motivations. He could only note that "this is why I hate talking to you! You only berate me!".
After I invited him to head right out of the door if he couldn't cope with the predictable and reasonable consequences of his behaviour he pulled himself together and agreed that he would communicate better.
That lasted a week - until the bailiff turned up with H's Application for Divorce. I texted him to let him know how I feel about being blindsided and humiliated. I haven't heard from him since.
I don't know if I want to be this man's friend again, let alone fight for my marriage. I had thought I did, but I really don't know any more. I think I am grieving for the life I had rather than the man. I'm really not really sure how to go about changing my life for the better. I know there is a lot of healing for me to do but I have no idea what to tackle first.
If you're still with me, I can only thank you from the bottom of my heart for your patience. To reward you, I'll ask for more of your patience ......
Tell me please - what does a person do with all this?
......