As I was about to post my sad pity party update, my landlord came to my door to get the rent. I asked for the dog. He pretty much said no. He said he was upset the neighbors got a dog and he raised their rent. He said he would think about it, but it doesn't seem like a go. It was like the one thing I was excited for.
I'm not doing so hot emotionally lately. (duh, right?) That dog was a light at the end of a tunnel. I cry most nights and I am soooooo tired all the time. I still go and GAL with friends but tonight is stay home in my PJ's night. I am not feeling social. Just tired. The lonliness is killer. The dog was really going to help with that for the both of us. I look forward to PT because it is human interaction and the closest I get to exercise. My job is going to an office doing very repetitive non-stimulating work. I really miss my patients and coworkers and teamwork. I miss having a partner. I am pretty much back to that awful place before I met FF. At least then I had my exercise.
I did have a birthday party thing last night. One of those wine and paint things. My cousin and I had dinner before hand. She is the one cheating on her H with a much older married man. I asked her some tough questions. He still loves his wife too....... they have been married for very long. I asked how she felt being the OW. She said she does have guilt. But it's easier to deal with because she never met her. She isn't so "real". It answered some things for me. I was probably never real for OWW. Took a long time to meet. I kind of hope she feels a little crappy now that she has met me and sees I am a decent human being.
It's very surreal learning the other side of things.
Maybell, thank you for stopping by. And for helping me feel normal. I am really jealous of the both of them for different reasons, but I do think it's a valid feeling. I have been feeling a lot of envy lately. I do my best to go back and reflect on what I do have, like most of my health, my healthy daughter, job, and all that stuff. But somedays I am just envious that I can't have those things others have that I crave so much. I never really envied material things in my life. I have only envied certain types of connections and relationships. I guess my envy is embarrassing because I sound like a pouty brat who wants something she can't have. And I want to be all "you don't want me, I don't care" but I am really not that way. I am awfully sad he doesn't want me, he wants her, and it does affect me.
I always read your posts too, although I don't always post back. I love how honest you are with everyone and yourself. I have a big respect for that. And your R with your guy, well, it's pretty awesome. how you work through differences, you do have them and don't ignore them. You guys have a real, solid relationship. Keep posting, because I enjoy it as well.
