Hi. I feel somewhat like an imposter. I don't know the newcomers 'round here... so I suppose they don't know me. I have poked in a little bit as of late. No reason in particular. Kind of checked out Ownit a lil' bit... I can relate. Saw Heather in the mix- HEY GIRL!
My beloved vets still status quo with life-time advice I still pull from my pocket...
I don't know. It's a journey to say the least. I can't say I'm struggling anymore... as the struggle was REAL! But, its funny-ish how the cycling still continues. Just differently. Quite differently.
It used to be that about every three months... after the ultimate chaos, I could plan on something going down. I mean, I am still the champion of NC. I am competitive, and like being a champion (jk... kind of), but the NC was more about survival. And at this point more about necessity. Not that I NEED to be NC, but I haven't had a need TO contact. Simple as that. Even so, with NC, about every 3 months, something would stir. That is, until things really settled down. I moved, started a new life and all that jazz.
Anyway, personally, lately, my mind has been wondering. Not missing or regretful, or sad, or anything particular, really. It's just been taking me on a roller coaster ride. I don't necessarily dig that. With that, all of a sudden, things have been poking up!
I need to backtrack for a sec.. cuz that's my brain.
I started a new life. In a new town. A new house. New whatever. Recently, my xsil's contacted me and want to go to dinner. I haven't seen them in over 4 years- almost 5. XBIL, who lived next door to me and I NEEDED to move away from (partly why I moved last year) is now my mailman in my new town. SAY WHAT?! He wasn't a mailman before and lives in a different county. Like the odds of him getting THIS route?!
After much agonizing, I have decided to take xh back to task. I have contacted my l and sending out official stuff soon bc he is not holding up to everything he should, financially. I cut my losses and really took some severe financial devastation in order to just move on. The fact that with that, and him not withholding his end of the deal is trash. Albeit, I haven't completely pushed the issue, I'm sick of him getting away with being a snake.
So, it took some time to prepare myself and a few meetings w my l, who is now on vacation. It should go out soon.
Ironically... I have since found out the following has happened in the past 6 months
(Actually knew a few prior): Two vacations in 4 months; engagement ring; new, very expensive sports car; new very expensive suv,
Now I learned, the just installed a new inground pool, have a wedding in a month (prob a honeymoon attached)
My point is two-fold. One, they have a lot of money going out as of late.. on top of very expensive living and lifestyle. And we are living a TOTALLY different lifestyle than usual. Seems he's upgraded while we downgraded. BUt really, who cares.
Just crummy for s20 now who works 60 hours construction (ironwork) all summer to try to pay for his own college (with my help, also working numerous jobs), and his dad won't help him out at all.
Secondly, just found out about wedding. Just something to process. But simply that.... ya know....
Then, today... as I was traversing back into my old town, where remains of my past still exist, along with a few things I haven't replaced... like my dr, where I was headed today, I saw hww. This was quite an unusual occurrence. I probably would have a very difficult time picking her out of a line-up. But, knowing what I know of her... over-processed, greasy hair. The style. The look. In her mom's neighborhood. I know. And the feeling. I just know. AND, I didn't pull over and kick her @ss. I know. That doesn't happen here. I and I now better. Something primal in me though... when dealing with her... ugh.
Anyway, I haven't been able to shake this feeling over the last couple of weeks. I always feel it when something is about to go down. Or shake up. Or whatever.
Then I hear from sil's, xh comes around, decide to go to l, find out wedding is around the corner, then see her.
(The irony isn't lost upon me that I was headed to the dr's to get another check-up as I still haven't been cleared from surgery.. how long ago?? from THEM)
This is really after quite a long time of nothing.
D16 went to dinner with him recently (as she does about every 6 weeks ago or so.. quality time, I supppose). She told me a few days later that she asked him a question and told him she didn't care if he was uncomfortable.
D16: Do you miss the 4 of us being together?
XH: yeah
D16: Do you miss mom's family?
XH: To be honest, yes.
D16: Do you really miss being with mom too? You aren't just saying that?
XH: Yeah, sometimes
Honestly, it took her a few days to tell me. And it makes me sad to think about what prompted her to even ask those questions. And it's kind of... ugh... whatev
I don't know, guys. I don't know that anyone will read this. It may be insignificant at this point. It's just crazy to me... this journey it takes you on. I can hear the vets.. and got to a place where I never though I would, simply as an unemotional, detached bystander. Then, every once in a while... things feel a little weird. Not anything like before. But I guess more like a cliffhanger... like, what's next?
