A familiar story with questions..

[sandi2]

I just don't know if the results are a good sign or temperature taking.

If it is a sudden 180 change in her interaction with you.......like, suddenly being nice, flirty, increase in texts, or touchy-feely, or even showing affection.......then be cautious about them being genuine and lasting changes. The WW usually has an ulterior motive for these type of sudden 180's. I don't recall any sudden changes in a WW ever being the real deal, but rather was her way of temp checking and/or manipulation. Watch her attitude toward you. Look for humbleness in her. When her attitude, words, and behavior match.......then you can begin to believe there are changes being made in your W.

There have been stories of the WW returning to the MR after the overt rebellion ended, and without her showing any signs of remorse or taking responsibility for her actions and destruction she caused..........plus, no attemps of seeking IC/MC (or some type of guidance, program, etc.) to piece the M back together. These are the ones that really concern me. If the LBH sticks around on the board, we usually discover his WW still habors disrespect and resentment toward him. If he is content just to not get a divorce, these other issues get swept under the rug and nothing gets resolved. He has a bitter W sharing the same roof.......and that's all. In other words, if her waywardness is not dealt with........they still have a very serious problem in the MR. The idea that everything will just work itself out, makes no sense at all. That's like discovering you have a disease and refusing to take proactive medical assistance, while thinking it will work itself out in time. If you reconcile with a WW, you'd both better have a proactive plan to overcome her wayward mindset. She will need the tools to know how to conquer it, just like you need the DB tools to know what to do now.

Her work begins at the point she decides she will do what's necessary to save her MR. And when I say work, I mean all the work in setting right her mindset. It is hard! The LBH who thinks she's going to snap out of her wayward mindset as soon as the affair ends, and will be the old W again........is a H who is headed for disappointment. Some WW's may snap out of her fantasy fog when reality comes knocking on her door. However, she does not snap out of a wayward mindset. She has to work herself out of it. If she is honest, and if she gets the information about what she needs to do.......and if she is willing, then the couple has a good shot at rebuilding their relationship and being happy together. I don't say this to discourage anyone, but to give you a realistic view of what to expect. This is just a few highlights, b/c a lot more details are involved for the WW who sincerely repents and sets about to do what is right.

BTW, asking questions doesn't mean that I am jumping around. I think it means that the information is jumping around and that I am questioning to find the proper path.

Okay, gotcha. I want you to ask questions. My own problem is trying to cover too much at one time.......b/c I want the H to be informed ASAP. That was one reason for having my threads about the WW. If you will read all of those threads, it may fill in the gaps. I'm not sure what information is jumping around, but if you are referring to something on another member's thread......I suggest you focus more on what has been posted directly to you. Then, if it sounds contradicting, you can ask specific questions about it.

Here is what I've been doing and the reason for many of the questions.

GAL
Reading too much
I am avoiding pursuing
I am limiting small talk
No starting R conversations.
I am validating

Sounds good. What do you mean by "reading too much"? Are you referring to reading posts on the board, or reading other books and websites?

I question if there is an A. This is where I get stuck. Not knowing. Not knowing how helpful of distant to be.

Do you understand that a woman can be wayward without being in an affair? Men become so focused on just the "affair" that it paralyzes them. They think the affair is the source of the problems......and they also think that ending the affair will bring their old W back again. An affair is rebellion showing out. It can definitely cause additional problems, and I don't mean to lessen it's destructive power. I'm just saying that it was not her original issue that eventually led to an affair (or whatever type of rebellion she's displaying). The deeper issue is her resentment and disrespect that has grown over time. There may be other issues, such as entitlement, selfishness, etc. These all will be the last areas for her to conquer, IMHO, and more difficult than ending the affair. When she decides to conquer those areas, then the MR can not only be saved..... but will be happy. In many cases, the H has his share of issues, too. While he works to improve himself during the time she is wanting out of the MR, her self improvement comes after she makes the decision to do the right thing. Most couples would be smart by getting outside professional help to guide them back together, b/c piecing is very tough.

I have taken down the camera because it was making me crazy.

Okay, that's fine......if you won't go more crazy in not knowing. My question is, can you become unstuck by not knowing if she's in an affair?