It's very normal to question your H's actions and to question them. Why? Because he's just not acting like the person you know and love. As for you living in a Fantasyland...that is projection. No, it's not all you. You can only claim 50% of the breakdown of the marriage...do not take on the 100%. If your H were more open to communicating his thoughts, comments and yes, even complaints over the years, you would have taken the extra care in trying to change the way you have been doing things.
As for the phone, yes, I can understand how that would bother you. He's like a teenager w/his secret little friends and has to go off be by himself to talk to the caller. Who knows who he was talking to, i.e., it could have been a male friend or an ow...but you will need to find a way to ignore the calls because it puts you in the alert mode and he can sense that.
As for the "nothing's changed" comment. My xh said the same thing and a lot of them say this. You can jump through hoops and do each and every thing that they point out that isn't to their liking and they will find something else wrong. It's about them and the fact that they do not know what they want and are searching for that something that will make them feel better. Change only those things that are valid and what you want to change for YOU. Make those changes for YOU and only if you are happy w/them because those changes will need to become a part of your routine. If you are only doing them to please him, he'll know that they are most likely a temporary thing.
The next time he disappears...leave him be. To him, your concern was more like checking on him as his mother would have done. I know you were concerned...but you've got to let him figure things out and if he's locked out...well...he knows how to call you on the phone and/or text you. Keep in mind, he's not the same man you know and love...you are dealing w/the mirror image, i.e., exact opposite of your "old" h.
They will do things to pick fights...the best thing is to stay calm and if you can distract him w/something else, then do so...but I think you handled yourself fairly well. Detach a bit more, keep the focus on you and your child and allow your man/child to grow up. One last thing...keep your expectations at zero and remember...he's going to do a lot of things differently than before the crisis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
