I think the one thing that is clear is that none of us are responsible for our spouse's actions. Can't control them but also not our monkey. They chose to leave/not talk/have an A/whatever because that made sense to them at the time, for whatever good or not so good reasons. History/MLC/character may explain it but it was still their choice. They had other options!
By not choosing to talk openly about the M instead, our spouses made a shared look at that impossible. As individuals, we might want to look at our side of the M street as part of reclaiming our 'best self' now. We might want to do it as part of choosing what we need and will do in other relationships in our lives, or in a future M/R. A few of us might get the chance to have that shared conversation as part of making a new different kind of relationship with our spouse. That might involve us taking responsibility for actions we took that weakened our M or contributed to someone else's unhappiness or unmet needs. We are not responsible though for either their needs or the choices they take to meet them or the fallout for them from their own choices. In a way, as a reformed 'fixer', I guess it would be simpler if a bit of 'pretzeling' would do the job!
Nope, I think that sounds like a not my circus/monkeys flag to me!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
