Working on indifference

[25yearsmlc]

T

Don't keep putting spackle on your h's r's with OWs. He "interacted" with them and he lied to you about money and contacts and where he was and

this^^ is what you know. Think out more realistically how a future with that^^ would be.

FYI, I found myself thinking if I had only gone to Alaska (a 3rd time) with H, he would not have met OW (maybe??) and we'd be together Or I would not have gotten sick OR OR ??

Reality check says - truth be told I did not want to go up there again, for good reason.

It's NOT the place, it's that he did not care enough about what I wanted, to give something up. The "in my face" unimportance when it came to HIM giving up on something he wanted,

was too much for me to have been content there, with him. And frankly, embarrassing.

I'm not big on false pride, but self respect is a whole other animal.

I played with the "What if I had been gentler/smarter/prettier/lost weight faster/not pregnant/more pregnant/taller/earned more money/more compliant" GAME
and it is wasted time. Self inflicted pain.


My T told me how unproductive regrets are and to be kinder to myself. That I'm ruminating too inwardly, and really not objectively stepping back to say "WTF??? H is a jerk and has been, for longer than I realize (or care to realize)."

So I pass all this^^^^ onto YOU...

b/c it applies.

Lighten up on yourself, and pat yourself on the back. Good God, you have a 2 month old and 2 other sons and you drove 10 hours and went fishing??

Christ, GOOD FOR YOU!

Back in 2006, I decided to go to Italy for my anniversary b/c I knew H would send flowers BUT NOT BE HOME

like he did for our 24th...

and I took our kids. Of course suddenly h did have time, but not the 2 weeks, just half of it in the middle and if we could rearrange a trip I'd been planning all year than maybe we could sukk it up and meet him somewhere and blah blah blah

no way.

NO WAY...and truly that 18 day trip with my 3 kids (age 9 to 21). D9 got lice (and I was traumatized and horrified) and our flight was delayed 16 hours in NY, and they lost my luggage for 4 days, and truly I just rolled with the punches and still have great memories. It remains probably the funnest trip I've ever taken, and some of that is pride and the desire to make the best of it and not try to control the outcome. I had 5-6 things I really needed/wanted to see and we did. (Boom, mic drop.)

Going back 3 years later with them AND H, was not nearly as fun. I swear there was always a bit of tension and at one point h and S, then 21, got into an argument.

I'm pretty sure the kids were comparing the trip before, and h probably felt insecure about it?? (Who cares?)


Our anniversary is this Tuesday and my mom's death anniversary is Wednesday.

I'm making plans for both days and not "distracting" plans, but plans for being with people I care about. Dinner, drinks and chatting (on the anniversary. I don't want to think "oh wow that was our wedding night/honeymoon drive",

but more like "that was then and this is now." OR so I hope.

For my mom, my sisters and I are going to have her favorite dinner and drinks and probably watch the slide show we made the week she died. If we can get through it, it'll feel like an honoring achievement and if we can't, we will have tried. I miss her very much.

But No tension. No fear, just support - and I'm going to soak it all up.

I hope you will learn to do the same, b/c it really does help.

Dear Lord, how did women get through this in our mom's day? (Or men?--might have been more ostracizing for them, UGH)


((( )))