Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

Thanks for the support, guys!

Dusty, this is really the only substantial conversation I've had with my wife since I informed her of my L. Finances and kids are the only reasons I'll talk with her. Sometimes I think she tries to find excuses to talk. Hmmm...

Codependence specifically means that you have blurred the lines between your sense of self and W. Is that really what you mean or have you just come to be comfortable in a marriage relationship? Those are two different things.

Maybe I don't mean it to that degree. But I guess I looked to my W to fill my emotional needs and feel complete. I certainly had a sense of self, but I really didn't have too many friends or interests outside of the family. I always gave of myself for W and kids and never really thought about my own needs.

If you read what you wrote about W's behavior in the marriage it doesn't paint a very flattering picture. What was it about YOU that sought a woman who behaved that way, and how will you deal with yourself such that you don't seek it again?

I always had a low self esteem, and I suppose I was thrilled that W wanted me. And I didn't want to rock the boat with my negative emotions. Classic NGS stuff. So now I'm working on my own needs, seeing what I want out of life. That's actually been pretty hard for me - to figure out what makes me happy. But I think I'm getting there.

W: No. You have. (She's starting to sound emotional and may be crying.) Nobody wants this.

Me: If nobody wants this, then why is it happening?

Next time (if you don't hang up) try validating- "I'm sure this has been very difficult for you, I'm sorry you're struggling so much." Your response is too confrontational, it says "this is what YOU want wife! It is NOT what I want!" And I think you know that. Sometimes it's hard to stop ourselves!

Yeah, very true. I could have handled that better. Thanks for pointing out the validation opportunity. I'm not always good at picking those up.