Still here. Still not detached...

[sandi2]

Before starting this thread, I went back and read some of my previous threads and I'm absolutely flabbergasted by the amount of time and energy I spent trying to control things that were out of my control. In hindsight, some of the mistakes I made during the DB process are so obvious to me now. And sometimes I wonder if there would have been a better chance for reconciliation if I had acted differently. I know I can't dwell on this now, but sometimes it's difficult to shake the "what ifs."

I read a post from you on Tread's thread. The sadness really pulled at my heart. It sounded as if you regretted the options you chose. Is there any advice you would give a newcomer H facing the same situation as you had?

My S8 is obviously not happy with the situation and it kills me to think that he's angry/upset with me. I want to tell him that this is all my W's idea and I'm just as angry/upset as he is. But I know this is a totally selfish attitude and another example of how I'm still not fully detached.

Why can't you tell him the truth?

I've chosen to move on for the sake of my own well being. I can't continue to live expecting my W to play an active role in my life. But I'm not over it. I'm still standing for my marriage. I still love my W. I'm not done. If she approached me tomorrow with genuine remorse and a change of heart, I wouldn't push her away.

You have to be your own best friend, Chris.

I still find myself planning my words and actions based on how I think she'll react to them. And I still spend far too much time judging the things she does or doesn't do. I suppose noticing it is the first step in reducing it, and a year later I've gotten a lot better at letting things go. But it's a difficult balance between not sweating the small stuff and enforcing boundaries so that I don't feel like a doormat.

This is the part that always got to me about your situation. Your W may have manipulated and bullied you.........but the real problem lies within Chris. Your next relationship will have the very same dynamics, unless your learn to reprogram and become a man who refuses to plan each word and action on how his W might react. There is a line between being considerate of the feelings of others......and living in dread of their reaction. There's a difference in doing things out of love........and being a person pleaser. You are the only one who can change it, b/c it comes from within you.

I believe you are a very nice guy. Too nice for your own good, in fact. You seem as if you don't know how to distinguish between being nice.........from being submissive or subservient. I can't help but hope that you will change some of the bad affects that the NGS has on you. Identifing your traits, areas of strength, and areas of weakness is a step forward. I encourage you to seek information that will help you in the areas of weakness.

Are you involved in any type of male support groups? Hang out with buddies? How much GAL do you average a week?

I see so many families in the same rat race. They spend most of their non-working hours shuttling the kids from one place to the next. First they know, there's no time for the adults to spend with other friends, or even one on one time with each other. Personally, I think it's a mistake to have kids in so many activities that basically causes the parents to become a slave to the time it eats up from their family time....and the MR. But that's JMHO.

I wish the very best for you, and I hope you can emotionally detach a little more in the weeks to come.