I call this immediate post-BD phase "re-limerance" - I would have probably done anything to get W back in the first two weeks.
Hahaha! Yes that's a clever way of putting it! Except after BD it's strictly one-way limerence, one party is all-in and the other is all-out. Such a cruel twist!
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What's so hard about all this is that one of my issues in the MR was being emotionally closed off. After BD I did my fair share of soul searching, like we all do, and realized there was a whole emotional side of me that I want to develop and nurture. But now I can't do that with W. I've been doing it with friends, and I've been doing it with my kids, but it's not the same. I want that deep connection that comes from a R with someone special. I wonder if this makes me co-dependent.
Well, yes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean that's part of what marriage is, it's surrendering "self" to some extent and becoming part of a team. It is normal to be dependent on each other to some extent in marriage. I felt like XW and I had that down just right, we each had our separate hobbies and activities and gave each other time for them, but we came together as a family other times. It was a good balance.
You will have that deep connection again I am sure. But first you need to really find yourself. Take time to adjust to a new, independent life first. It starts out scary, but in time you come to accept it, then to really enjoy it. You'll get to the point where you might -want- a special lady in your life, but you won't -need- her. That's when you know you're ready for a relationship again.
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At the end of the conversation (she always pounces at the end), things took a turn
You might consider just trying to cut it off before it goes there. Such as:
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W: Is there anything you want to talk about?
Me: No. Have a nice evening <click>
I mean if she "always pounces at the end" then just be the first to hang up. You should be doing that anyway. Don't linger on the phone with a WAS!
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W: No. You have. (She's starting to sound emotional and may be crying.) Nobody wants this.
Me: If nobody wants this, then why is it happening?
Next time (if you don't hang up) try validating- "I'm sure this has been very difficult for you, I'm sorry you're struggling so much." Your response is too confrontational, it says "this is what YOU want wife! It is NOT what I want!" And I think you know that. Sometimes it's hard to stop ourselves!
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I bet some people will say that I should have told her I didn't want to be her emergency contact.
I don't see any harm in that. The rest of your convo sounded just fine really.
